In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Categories of Men
in the Hadith of Umm Zar'
"My husband: every malady is found in him."
The seventh woman who spoke in that gathering of women
described her husband by saying:
"My husband is hopelessly incompetent or dim-witted (ghayaya or 'ayaya),
completely overwhelmed (tabaqa);
every malady is found in him;
he has fractured your skull, or broken your limb, or inflicted all of that upon you."
It could be said of her
that she is truly wretched,
for she combined every blameworthy trait in describing her husband.
There remained in him no good whatsoever that a woman might benefit from:
he is foolish and ignorant,
abusive in companionship,
impotent in marital relations,
and beats his wife severely and violently;
indeed, he has gathered every human flaw within himself.
Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"She described him as foolish,
reaching the utmost extreme in all defects and shortcomings,
treating his family abominably,
incapable of fulfilling her needs,
while beating her and causing her harm.
If she speaks to him, he insults her;
if she jokes with him, he fractures her skull;
and whenever he gets angry,
he either fractures her skull,
breaks one of her limbs—
which is the meaning of 'broke your limb' (fallak),
and from this root the defeated are termed
'fall'—
or cuts her skin or pierces her,
which is the meaning of 'fractured your skull' (shajjak),
or inflicts all of that upon her,
combining beating, wounding, and breaking bones,
or crushing her through hostility and hurtful words,
as well as seizing her wealth."
This type of man
is impossible to live with in peace,
and it is inconceivable that these vile manners
in such a type of person
emerged suddenly after marriage;
rather, it is expected that they existed in him prior to marriage.
The question that presents itself is:
Why did this woman accept him?
And upon whom does the blame fall for marrying her off to him?
Firstly,
this incident occurred during the Pre-Islamic Era (Jahiliyyah),
but unfortunately, it recurs even in Islam.
So where did the mistake stem from?
Secondly,
when looking at the teachings of Islam
and its sublime manners,
we find that it established a precise system
to prevent such a scenario
from occurring in reality.
Why, then, does it keep recurring?
What appears to me
is that the recurrence of such a situation in reality
stems from two matters
that fall under a single heading:
the lack of adherence to the teachings of Islam
and its etiquettes regarding the marriage of young women.
The first matter
is that guardians have abdicated their responsibility in the marriage of the young woman.
For the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
forbade a woman from marrying herself off,
and commanded her guardians to marry her off,
so that men bear the responsibility of arranging her marriage
to someone who is suitable for her.
Many hadiths have been narrated regarding this,
among which is the hadith
on the authority of Abu Musa (may Allah be pleased with him),
that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
"There is no marriage without a guardian."
Narrated by Abu Dawud.
And on the authority of 'A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), who said:
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
"Any woman who marries without the permission of her guardians,
her marriage is invalid,"
repeating it three times;
"and if he has consummated the marriage with her,
she is entitled to the bridal due (mahr) in return for what he enjoyed of her.
If they dispute,
then the ruler is the guardian of whoever has no guardian."
Narrated by Abu Dawud.
And on the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said:
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
"A woman does not give a woman in marriage,
nor does a woman give herself in marriage;
for indeed, it is the fornicatress who gives herself in marriage."
Narrated by Ibn Majah.
These hadiths
place the responsibility of marriage upon the guardians
and forbid a woman from marrying herself off,
and that is for many wise reasons.
Among them:
men are more capable of discerning the suitor's traits and character
and inquiring about him among other men,
unlike the woman,
who is unable to do so.
And among them:
men let reason govern their affairs,
unlike the woman,
who lets emotion govern hers;
thus, if her heart becomes attached to a man,
she turns a blind eye to all of his bad qualities.
This highlights the danger of relationships between young men and women before the marriage contract:
the girl becomes emotionally attached to him,
and it becomes difficult for her to step away,
especially since young men, in their relationships with girls,
display their finest traits to win them over.
Thus, when the girl becomes attached,
she is blinded to the true reality.
For this reason, Islam forbade women
from free mixing with non-mahram men,
so that such relationships do not develop
between young men and women,
which would subsequently ruin their lives.
The second matter
is the loss of proper criteria in selecting men.
The way people view the selection of a spouse today
has changed due to their distance
from adhering to the commands of the Sharia.
Thus, the criteria for choosing men has become
a materialistic standard,
tied solely to worldly considerations.
This is entirely contrary
to the counsel of the Prophet (peace be upon him),
where he said:
"If there comes to you one with whose
character and religious commitment you are pleased, marry [your daughter] to him;
for if you do not do so,
there will be tribulation on earth and widespread corruption."
Narrated by Ibn Majah.
Al-Mazhari (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"Meaning: if someone asks you
to give a woman among your daughters in marriage,
or your female relatives,
then look:
if he is a righteous Muslim
of good character,
then marry her to him.
For if you do not marry
the women among your relatives
to anyone except someone well-known, possessing wealth and status,
and other such worldly attributes favored by
worldly people,
most of your women will remain unmarried,
and most men will remain unmarried.
At that point, men will incline toward women,
and women will incline toward men,
fornication will become rampant,
and shame will fall upon the guardians
due to fornication being attributed to their women.
Protective jealousy may boil within them toward their female relatives
because of hearing accusations of fornication against them,
leading them to kill the women,
and to kill those who targeted them with immoral acts.
All of this represents widespread corruption
and great tribulation."
However,
why would a woman stay with such a foolish man,
and when did she discover these traits?
There is blame upon the woman as well,
just as we placed blame upon the guardians,
regarding her criteria for accepting the man
who proposed to her.
Whatever that criteria may have been,
it certainly was not religious commitment and good character.
For had her criteria been religious commitment and good character,
we would not find such cases
in our societies;
because this foolish category of men
inevitably manifests his foolishness
with those he lives with.
Had the woman inquired about his religious commitment and character,
and asked her guardians to verify
that he possessed both,
she would have discovered his true nature.
If the Prophet (peace be upon him)
censured a woman who stands in night prayer
yet possesses bad character toward her neighbors,
then how about someone whose character is like this toward the people of his household?
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said:
A man said:
"O Messenger of Allah,
so-and-so
is mentioned for her abundant prayer, fasting, and charity,
except that she harms her neighbors with her tongue."
He said:
"She is in the Hellfire."
The man said:
"O Messenger of Allah,
so-and-so
is mentioned for her modest amount of fasting, charity, and prayer,
and she gives only small pieces of dried curd in charity,
yet she does not harm her neighbors with her tongue."
He said:
"She is in Paradise."
Narrated by Ahmad.
This hadith
is entirely explicit in showing that religion and moral conduct in dealing with people cannot be separated.
How, then, can a woman accept marrying a man devoid of good character?
Furthermore, let us reflect on her statement:
"Every defect is found in him."
Abu 'Ubayd al-Harawi, may Allah have mercy on him, said:
"Meaning, every illness found among people
is present in him and is part of his afflictions."
And al-Khalil al-Farahidi, may Allah have mercy on him, said:
"She meant that every single flaw that can be found in men exists in him."
This expression encompasses every form of evil in this type of man;
he is indeed among the worst of people.
For on the authority of Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him,
the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, stood before a group of seated people
and asked:
"Shall I not inform you of the best among you from the worst among you?"
He said:
They remained silent.
He repeated it three times,
so a man said:
"Yes, O Messenger of Allah!
Inform us of the best among us from the worst among us."
He said:
"The best of you is the one from whom good is expected and from whose harm people are safe,
and the worst of you is the one from whom no good is expected and from whose harm people are not safe."
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi.
If all the flaws of humanity are combined in this husband,
then she can never hope for any good from him,
nor can she feel safe from his harm.
We shall continue in a future gathering, if Allah wills.
And all praise is due to Allah, the Lord of all the worlds.