In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Categories of men.
Regarding the hadith of Umm Zar‘.
When a woman speaks about her husband.
A woman loves to talk about her husband.
And for him to be the focus of her conversation.
There is nothing strange in that.
For the nature of a woman is completely different from the nature of a man.
This gathering is merely an example of women’s gatherings.
And the talk that circulates within them regarding their husbands.
Ibn Hajar, may Allah have mercy on him, said in his commentary on the story of this gathering:
"It is in the nature of women, when they converse,
that their talk is usually about men."
This is unlike men.
For the majority of their conversation concerns matters of livelihood.
But what are the guidelines for talking about one's husband among women?
First: Beware of backbiting (ghibah).
Allah the Almighty has forbidden backbiting.
He said: ﴾...and do not backbite one another...﴿
The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, explained the meaning of backbiting, saying:
"Do you know what backbiting is?"
They said, "Allah and His Messenger know best."
He said, "Your mentioning your brother with that which he dislikes."
It was asked, "What if what I say about my brother is true?"
He said, "If what you say is true, then you have backbitten him.
And if it is not true, then you have slandered him."
Narrated by Muslim.
A wife is the one who knows her husband’s faults most intimately.
And that is how it is.
Therefore, he is a garment for her, and she is a garment for him.
So, if she speaks among women about something the husband dislikes,
she has fallen into backbiting.
A woman most often falls into backbiting
when she talks to her mother and sisters about her husband.
The notion that she is just "venting" to someone does not absolve her of sin.
Because venting about what the husband dislikes is backbiting for which the woman is sinful.
So, what should a woman do if problems arise between her and her husband?
And she wants to unburden her worries?
This is one of the situations that most often causes a woman to fall into backbiting.
So how can a woman avoid it?
To avoid falling into backbiting in this situation,
she must observe two things.
First:
She must choose carefully whom she speaks to.
It is required that this person:
Has the ability to offer advice and guidance for such problems.
Possesses the ability to exercise reason and control emotion.
Second:
Her intention must be to reach a solution to the problem,
not just to vent.
And since a woman is emotional by nature,
her emotions often overcome her reason.
It may not be appropriate for her to be consulted on marital problems that require hearing from both sides.
However, one can benefit from her experiences in seeking advice and guidance for a successful marital life.
The evidence for the permissibility of speaking about a husband regarding what he dislikes
for the sake of solving a problem or seeking a legal ruling (fatwa)
is the hadith of Hind bint ‘Utbah with her husband.
For it is narrated from ‘A’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her,
that Hind bint ‘Utbah said:
"O Messenger of Allah,
Abu Sufyan is a stingy man.
He does not give me what is sufficient for me and my children,
except what I take from him without his knowledge."
He said:
"Take what is sufficient for you and your children in a reasonable manner."
Narrated by al-Bukhari.
The question here is:
Is what occurred among the women in this gathering considered backbiting?
And is it permissible to take them as an example in this action?
The answer is: Yes,
this is a form of backbiting.
Because each woman among them knew the others,
and knew who their husbands were.
Therefore, it is not permissible to take them as an example in this action.
If a group gathers,
and each one talks about her husband, [that is forbidden].
However, narrating the hadith now is permissible,
because the women who gathered are unknown,
and their husbands are likewise unknown.
So, mentioning the story about them is not considered backbiting.
Qadi ‘Iyad, may Allah have mercy on him, said:
"Some scholars deduced from this hadith
that mentioning evil or a fault,
if one mentions it without identifying the person by name or identity,
is not backbiting.
Rather, backbiting is
to intend a specific person with what he dislikes.
For the Prophet, peace be upon him,
narrated about some of these women
what they mentioned of their husbands' faults,
and he, peace be upon him, would not narrate about himself or others
except what is permissible and lawful."
What is the benefit of mentioning the story of these women
if their action was backbiting?
First:
If there were no benefit in mentioning their story,
‘A’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, would not have narrated it,
and the Prophet, peace be upon him, would not have listened to her narration
without disapproval.
Second:
Such stories are mentioned to take a lesson,
and to benefit from the experiences of others.
Qadi ‘Iyad, may Allah have mercy on him, said:
"In it is the fiqh of
the permissibility of talking about past nations,
bygone generations, and past centuries,
and drawing lessons from them.
For in their history is a lesson for the one who takes heed,
and insight for the one who seeks it,
and a source of benefit for the diligent researcher.
For in this hadith,
especially when narrated to women,
is a benefit in encouraging loyalty to husbands,
and a recommendation to lower one's gaze and heart toward them,
and to be grateful for all their actions,
and to maintain good companionship with them.
Like the case of Umm Zar‘,
and what appeared of her admiration for Abu Zar‘,
and her praise for him and all his family,
and her gratitude for his kindness toward her,
and her finding everything else insignificant after him.
And because of her story, the hadith was brought forth,
as occurred and was clarified in some narrations.
Along with the benefit of acknowledging the patience of the others
whose husbands we criticized,
and informing [the listeners] of what they endured of their poor companionship
and harsh temperaments,
so that women who hear their story may take them as an example
in patience."
Second:
Do not play with words.
A woman possesses the ability to alter the truth
without falling into lying.
We have already seen in a previous session
the evidence for this.
So it is not permissible for a woman, when talking about her husband,
to deceive the listener regarding things that are not in her husband
of bad qualities.
Third:
Do not deny your husband’s kindness.
The Prophet, peace be upon him, has informed us
that the thing that causes women to enter the Fire most
is denying the husband’s kindness.
He said: "I was shown the Fire,
and behold, the majority of its inhabitants were women,
because they are ungrateful."
It was asked, "Are they ungrateful to Allah?"
He said, "They are ungrateful to their husbands,
and they are ungrateful for kindness.
If you were to treat one of them well for a lifetime,
and then she saw something from you [she disliked], she would say: 'I have never seen any good from you at all.'"
Narrated by al-Bukhari.
Fourth: Do not lie.
Lying is one of the major sins,
and it is among the worst traits in dealing with people.
A woman, when talking about her husband,
might lie and speak ill of him,
or praise him to show off before other women,
regarding herself or her husband.
From ‘Ikrimah, that Rifa‘ah divorced his wife,
and she married ‘Abd al-Rahman ibn al-Zubayr al-Qurazi.
‘A’ishah said,
while she was wearing a green veil,
and she complained to her and showed her the green bruise on her skin.
When the Messenger of Allah came,
and women support one another,
‘A’ishah said,
"I have not seen the like of what believing women endure;
her skin is greener than her garment."
He said, and he heard that she
had come to the Messenger of Allah,
so he came with two sons of his from another woman.
She said, "By Allah, I have no fault with him,
except that what he has is no more useful
to me than this,"
and she took a fringe of her garment.
"I swear by Allah, O Messenger of Allah,
I am shaking it like the shaking of a hide."
But she was rebellious, wanting Rifa‘ah.
The Messenger of Allah said:
"If that is the case, you are not lawful for him,
or you are not suitable for him, until he tastes
of your sweetness (and you taste of his)."
He said, and he saw with him two sons of his.
He said, "Are these your sons?"
He said, "Yes, this is what she claims,
what she claims! By Allah,
they resemble him more than a crow resembles a crow."
Narrated by al-Bukhari.
So this woman lied about her husband,
and accused him of what was not in him to obtain
a divorce so she could return to her first husband.
But Allah revealed the truth of her statement
to the Messenger, so he refuted her.
So be cautious
when you speak about your husband.
We will continue in a future meeting, if Allah wills.
And praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.