1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,610 In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. 2 00:00:05,610 --> 00:00:13,160 Types of men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'. 3 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:23,539 "My husband—if I speak of him, I speak of his faults..." 4 00:00:23,539 --> 00:00:28,140 After the first woman finished describing her husband's qualities, 5 00:00:28,140 --> 00:00:30,339 It was time for the second woman to speak. 6 00:00:30,339 --> 00:00:31,839 She said: 7 00:00:31,839 --> 00:00:34,539 "My husband—I will not spread his news, 8 00:00:34,539 --> 00:00:37,539 For I fear I will not leave him be. 9 00:00:37,539 --> 00:00:41,829 If I mention him, I mention his outer and inner faults." 10 00:00:41,829 --> 00:00:46,329 The group had agreed that each woman would describe her husband's full reality, 11 00:00:46,329 --> 00:00:49,829 Yet she found herself caught in a dilemma between two matters: 12 00:00:49,829 --> 00:00:51,329 First: 13 00:00:51,329 --> 00:00:57,329 She had pledged to the women that she would conceal nothing regarding her husband. 14 00:00:57,329 --> 00:00:58,829 Second: 15 00:00:58,829 --> 00:01:03,329 She detested exposing her husband's privacy and speaking ill of him. 16 00:01:03,329 --> 00:01:05,359 The cause of this dilemma 17 00:01:05,859 --> 00:01:09,859 Was her fear of where such speech about him would lead. 18 00:01:09,859 --> 00:01:11,859 She feared two outcomes: 19 00:01:11,859 --> 00:01:13,359 First: 20 00:01:13,359 --> 00:01:15,359 That her speech about him would grow lengthy, 21 00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:19,420 Leading her to enumerate all his apparent and hidden faults. 22 00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:21,920 Al-Asbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 23 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,920 "Her saying, 'I will not spread his news,' 24 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,920 Means: I will not broadcast his affair. 25 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,920 'For I fear I will not leave him be,' 26 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:33,420 Means: I fear I will leave no flaw of his unmentioned. 27 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:38,049 And 'his outer and inner faults' refers to his defects." 28 00:01:38,049 --> 00:01:41,049 Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 29 00:01:41,049 --> 00:01:44,049 "Her saying, 'I will not spread his news; 30 00:01:44,049 --> 00:01:46,049 I fear I will not leave him be,' 31 00:01:46,049 --> 00:01:48,049 Means: I will not stop talking about him. 32 00:01:48,049 --> 00:01:51,549 The pronoun refers back to his news. 33 00:01:51,549 --> 00:01:54,549 That is, owing to its length and abundance, 34 00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:58,049 If I begin describing him, I will not be able to finish." 35 00:01:58,049 --> 00:02:04,489 This signifies that this man's shortcomings were exceedingly numerous, 36 00:02:04,489 --> 00:02:06,989 Some worse and uglier than others. 37 00:02:06,989 --> 00:02:10,250 Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 38 00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:15,250 "That is, if I were to mention any of his faults and deficiencies, 39 00:02:15,250 --> 00:02:19,250 It would inevitably lead to mentioning something else even uglier. 40 00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:25,250 Yet she had promised her companions not to conceal any of his traits from them, 41 00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:29,250 So she came to dislike the compact she had made with them, 42 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:33,250 Choosing instead to conceal her husband's flaws due to their sheer abundance. 43 00:02:33,750 --> 00:02:36,750 She did not deem it right to mention some while omitting others, 44 00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:41,750 Knowing that mentioning one flaw would drag another into the light. 45 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:44,750 Thus, she deemed staying silent to be the proper course." 46 00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:50,550 Her words also indicate that her heart was burdened and filled with grief on his account, 47 00:02:50,550 --> 00:02:57,550 And that she had never vented her distress regarding her husband to anyone before this gathering. 48 00:02:57,550 --> 00:03:00,050 This is one of the common mistakes among women: 49 00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:03,050 Carrying their grief alone, 50 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:06,050 Until the problem escalates and they erupt, 51 00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:09,050 Making the issue far more difficult to resolve. 52 00:03:09,050 --> 00:03:13,240 The advice for anyone in such a state 53 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:17,240 Is to seek counsel from those capable of guiding them toward a solution— 54 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,240 Trusted individuals among the people of goodness and righteousness, 55 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,240 Such as scholars, callers to Islam, or peacemakers. 56 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:29,240 It is not enough to vent grievances to women like herself 57 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,240 Who possess no real counsel to offer. 58 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:36,370 Rather, the danger lies in sharing conjugal matters with women 59 00:03:36,370 --> 00:03:42,370 Who are not known for sacred knowledge, righteousness, or problem-solving ability. 60 00:03:42,370 --> 00:03:44,370 Sharing these matters with such people 61 00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:47,370 May only compound the problem 62 00:03:47,370 --> 00:03:50,370 And breed resentment in your heart against your husband, 63 00:03:50,370 --> 00:03:52,370 For she might be suffering just like you, 64 00:03:52,370 --> 00:03:55,370 Thereby adding distress upon your distress. 65 00:03:55,370 --> 00:03:58,370 She might even speak ill of men in general, 66 00:03:58,370 --> 00:04:00,370 Characterizing them all as unjust, 67 00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:03,370 Thus filling your heart with resentment toward them all. 68 00:04:03,370 --> 00:04:07,659 The second matter this woman feared 69 00:04:07,659 --> 00:04:09,719 Was divorce. 70 00:04:09,719 --> 00:04:12,719 Abu al-'Abbas al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 71 00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:17,720 "She means that if she describes her husband's state, she will expose his faults, 72 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,720 And if she does so, 73 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,720 She fears he will separate from her, 74 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:26,720 Though she dislikes separating from him due to the bonds between them." 75 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,970 Her fear of divorce 76 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,970 Holds several important implications, 77 00:04:31,970 --> 00:04:35,970 Chief among them being that she loved him and hated the thought of parting from him. 78 00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:38,970 This is precisely what al-Qurtubi noted: 79 00:04:38,970 --> 00:04:41,970 The bond between them was one of love, 80 00:04:41,970 --> 00:04:44,970 And despite his blameworthy traits, 81 00:04:44,970 --> 00:04:46,970 She still loved him. 82 00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:52,100 Some may struggle to comprehend this difficult equation: 83 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:55,100 Love coexisting with terrible traits. 84 00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:58,100 This stems from a failure to understand women, their nature, 85 00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:00,100 And their way of thinking. 86 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:06,290 Some men may not realize the depth of love their wives harbor for them, 87 00:05:06,290 --> 00:05:08,290 Nor the magnitude of their attachment to them— 88 00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:12,290 Whether due to preoccupation with personal pursuits, 89 00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:15,290 Professional life and earning a livelihood, 90 00:05:15,290 --> 00:05:19,290 Or simply failing to reflect on the matter altogether. 91 00:05:19,290 --> 00:05:22,540 As a baseline rule, noble men: 92 00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:26,540 A woman inherently dislikes and does not desire divorce, 93 00:05:26,540 --> 00:05:29,540 Even if she demands it during heated arguments. 94 00:05:29,540 --> 00:05:33,540 In a state of anger, anything can happen, 95 00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:37,540 For an angry person loses sight of what they are saying. 96 00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,540 Yet this does not mean, honorable brother, 97 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,540 That you should exploit a woman's love for you, 98 00:05:42,540 --> 00:05:48,540 Persisting in harming her through objectionable habits. 99 00:05:48,540 --> 00:05:50,540 Rather, a wise man 100 00:05:50,540 --> 00:05:54,540 Capitalizes on the sincere criticism of those around him 101 00:05:54,540 --> 00:05:57,800 By rectifying his bad traits. 102 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:02,800 In this woman's fear of where speaking about her husband would lead, 103 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,800 Lies another crucial benefit: 104 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:09,800 Reflecting on the ultimate consequences of actions before taking them. 105 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:15,829 This demonstrates that this second woman was exceptionally wise. 106 00:06:15,829 --> 00:06:18,829 For one who contemplates consequences 107 00:06:18,829 --> 00:06:22,829 Remains far removed from blameworthy haste— 108 00:06:22,829 --> 00:06:25,829 The kind of haste that can ruin her future, 109 00:06:25,829 --> 00:06:27,829 Fill her heart with regret, 110 00:06:27,829 --> 00:06:30,829 And leave her lamenting the past. 111 00:06:30,829 --> 00:06:36,120 Her conduct also demonstrates her patience with her husband 112 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,120 And her noble demeanor toward him. 113 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:43,120 For it is unimaginable that a man with such bad character 114 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,120 Would be met by a woman with an equally bad disposition 115 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,120 Without him divorcing her. 116 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,220 Her words also demonstrate 117 00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:54,220 Restraint of her tongue when speaking of her husband. 118 00:06:54,220 --> 00:06:59,250 Restraining the tongue is one of the most vital traits that save one from Hellfire, 119 00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:03,250 Reflecting a high degree of intellect and deliberation 120 00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:07,250 Before uttering a single word. 121 00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:12,250 This can only be achieved by those possessing self-control and balance, 122 00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:16,250 Especially during moments of emotional strain. 123 00:07:16,250 --> 00:07:19,310 Thus, she was a patient and wise woman, 124 00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:22,310 Pondering the outcomes of her actions, 125 00:07:22,310 --> 00:07:25,310 Capable of guarding her tongue, 126 00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:28,310 Protective of her husband's secrets, 127 00:07:28,310 --> 00:07:30,310 And eager to conceal his flaws. 128 00:07:30,310 --> 00:07:34,379 Yet she was tested with a husband who appeared righteous outwardly 129 00:07:34,379 --> 00:07:36,379 And treated people well, 130 00:07:36,379 --> 00:07:39,379 But mistreated her within the home, 131 00:07:39,379 --> 00:07:42,379 Possessing innumerable faults 132 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:45,379 Whose harm fell solely upon his own household. 133 00:07:46,730 --> 00:07:49,730 Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 134 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,730 "And in my view—and Allah knows best— 135 00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:54,730 He was outwardly respectable 136 00:07:54,730 --> 00:07:56,730 But inwardly corrupt. 137 00:07:56,730 --> 00:07:58,730 Thus, she did not wish to expose his secrets. 138 00:07:58,730 --> 00:08:00,730 Yet if she had spoken 139 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,730 As she had pledged to her companions, 140 00:08:03,730 --> 00:08:06,730 She would have exposed his hidden ugliness 141 00:08:06,730 --> 00:08:08,730 And revealed her own miserable state 142 00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:11,730 And the immense grief he caused her, which had previously remained hidden. 143 00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:15,730 Nevertheless, though she merely alluded without detailing 144 00:08:15,730 --> 00:08:17,730 And spoke in generalities without elaborating, 145 00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,730 She still disclosed much, 146 00:08:19,730 --> 00:08:21,730 Even as she said, 'I will not spread his news,' 147 00:08:21,730 --> 00:08:27,300 For one burdened with distress must inevitably vent." 148 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:30,300 Whoever is blessed with such a wise wife 149 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:35,299 Should not persist in mistreating her; 150 00:08:35,299 --> 00:08:39,299 For she is a blessing from Allah Almighty 151 00:08:39,299 --> 00:08:41,299 That demands gratitude. 152 00:08:41,299 --> 00:08:44,299 Showing gratitude for blessings begins with self-rectification, 153 00:08:44,299 --> 00:08:46,299 Adhering to the truth, 154 00:08:46,299 --> 00:08:49,580 And embodying noble character. 155 00:08:49,580 --> 00:08:52,580 I urge men to act upon this hadith, 156 00:08:52,580 --> 00:08:56,580 Following the example of the noble Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 157 00:08:56,580 --> 00:09:00,580 And emulating his conduct toward his family. 158 00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:03,679 On the authority of 'A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), she said: 159 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:07,679 The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: 160 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:10,679 "The best of you are those who are best to their families, 161 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:13,679 And I am the best of you to my family." 162 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:15,679 Narrated by al-Tirmidhi. 163 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:19,000 Ibn Battal (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 164 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:24,000 "In this lies a clear indication that what is most fitting and noble for a man 165 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:28,000 Is to bear the harm of his family patiently, turn a blind eye to them, 166 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:33,000 And pardon the personal grievances he endures at their hands, 167 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,000 So long as it does not violate the sacred rights of Allah. 168 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,000 This is supported by what 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated 169 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,000 Concerning the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)— 170 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:51,000 His patience with the mistreatment he experienced from his wives, 171 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,000 Their causing him distress, and their shunning him. 172 00:09:54,000 --> 00:10:00,159 Yet it was never recorded that the Messenger of Allah punished them for that; 173 00:10:00,159 --> 00:10:08,190 Rather, it was 'Umar who admonished them on his behalf, not the Messenger of Allah himself. 174 00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:14,190 Reports regarding the character of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) 175 00:10:14,190 --> 00:10:16,190 Consistently confirm what 'Umar described; 176 00:10:16,190 --> 00:10:21,190 Indeed, who else but him (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) should his Ummah emulate?" 177 00:10:21,190 --> 00:10:24,509 Ibn 'Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 178 00:10:24,509 --> 00:10:26,509 "The best of people 179 00:10:26,509 --> 00:10:28,509 Is the one who is best to his family. 180 00:10:28,509 --> 00:10:30,509 If you possess any goodness, 181 00:10:30,509 --> 00:10:33,509 Direct it toward those closest to you; 182 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:37,509 Let them be the primary beneficiaries of this goodness. 183 00:10:37,509 --> 00:10:40,509 This stands in stark contrast to what some people do today: 184 00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:43,509 You find a man ill-mannered with his family 185 00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:45,509 Yet pleasant and polite with others. 186 00:10:45,509 --> 00:10:48,509 This is a grave error. 187 00:10:48,509 --> 00:10:51,509 Your family is most deserving of your good character; 188 00:10:51,509 --> 00:10:53,539 Show them the finest treatment, 189 00:10:53,539 --> 00:10:57,539 For they are the ones with you night and day, 190 00:10:57,539 --> 00:10:59,539 In private and in public. 191 00:10:59,539 --> 00:11:01,539 If affliction touches you, 192 00:11:01,539 --> 00:11:03,539 They suffer alongside you; 193 00:11:03,539 --> 00:11:05,539 If you rejoice, they rejoice with you; 194 00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:08,610 And if you grieve, they grieve with you. 195 00:11:08,610 --> 00:11:13,610 So let your treatment of them be better than your treatment of strangers. 196 00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:19,429 The best of people is the one who is best to his family. 197 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,429 So how do you treat your family, honorable brother? 198 00:11:22,429 --> 00:11:26,429 And which type of husband are you to your wife?" 199 00:11:26,429 --> 00:11:31,289 We will continue in our next gathering, if Allah wills. 200 00:11:31,289 --> 00:11:35,289 And praise be to Allah, Lord of all the worlds.