In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Types of men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'.
"My husband—if I speak of him, I speak of his faults..."
After the first woman finished describing her husband's qualities,
It was time for the second woman to speak.
She said:
"My husband—I will not spread his news,
For I fear I will not leave him be.
If I mention him, I mention his outer and inner faults."
The group had agreed that each woman would describe her husband's full reality,
Yet she found herself caught in a dilemma between two matters:
First:
She had pledged to the women that she would conceal nothing regarding her husband.
Second:
She detested exposing her husband's privacy and speaking ill of him.
The cause of this dilemma
Was her fear of where such speech about him would lead.
She feared two outcomes:
First:
That her speech about him would grow lengthy,
Leading her to enumerate all his apparent and hidden faults.
Al-Asbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"Her saying, 'I will not spread his news,'
Means: I will not broadcast his affair.
'For I fear I will not leave him be,'
Means: I fear I will leave no flaw of his unmentioned.
And 'his outer and inner faults' refers to his defects."
Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"Her saying, 'I will not spread his news;
I fear I will not leave him be,'
Means: I will not stop talking about him.
The pronoun refers back to his news.
That is, owing to its length and abundance,
If I begin describing him, I will not be able to finish."
This signifies that this man's shortcomings were exceedingly numerous,
Some worse and uglier than others.
Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"That is, if I were to mention any of his faults and deficiencies,
It would inevitably lead to mentioning something else even uglier.
Yet she had promised her companions not to conceal any of his traits from them,
So she came to dislike the compact she had made with them,
Choosing instead to conceal her husband's flaws due to their sheer abundance.
She did not deem it right to mention some while omitting others,
Knowing that mentioning one flaw would drag another into the light.
Thus, she deemed staying silent to be the proper course."
Her words also indicate that her heart was burdened and filled with grief on his account,
And that she had never vented her distress regarding her husband to anyone before this gathering.
This is one of the common mistakes among women:
Carrying their grief alone,
Until the problem escalates and they erupt,
Making the issue far more difficult to resolve.
The advice for anyone in such a state
Is to seek counsel from those capable of guiding them toward a solution—
Trusted individuals among the people of goodness and righteousness,
Such as scholars, callers to Islam, or peacemakers.
It is not enough to vent grievances to women like herself
Who possess no real counsel to offer.
Rather, the danger lies in sharing conjugal matters with women
Who are not known for sacred knowledge, righteousness, or problem-solving ability.
Sharing these matters with such people
May only compound the problem
And breed resentment in your heart against your husband,
For she might be suffering just like you,
Thereby adding distress upon your distress.
She might even speak ill of men in general,
Characterizing them all as unjust,
Thus filling your heart with resentment toward them all.
The second matter this woman feared
Was divorce.
Abu al-'Abbas al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"She means that if she describes her husband's state, she will expose his faults,
And if she does so,
She fears he will separate from her,
Though she dislikes separating from him due to the bonds between them."
Her fear of divorce
Holds several important implications,
Chief among them being that she loved him and hated the thought of parting from him.
This is precisely what al-Qurtubi noted:
The bond between them was one of love,
And despite his blameworthy traits,
She still loved him.
Some may struggle to comprehend this difficult equation:
Love coexisting with terrible traits.
This stems from a failure to understand women, their nature,
And their way of thinking.
Some men may not realize the depth of love their wives harbor for them,
Nor the magnitude of their attachment to them—
Whether due to preoccupation with personal pursuits,
Professional life and earning a livelihood,
Or simply failing to reflect on the matter altogether.
As a baseline rule, noble men:
A woman inherently dislikes and does not desire divorce,
Even if she demands it during heated arguments.
In a state of anger, anything can happen,
For an angry person loses sight of what they are saying.
Yet this does not mean, honorable brother,
That you should exploit a woman's love for you,
Persisting in harming her through objectionable habits.
Rather, a wise man
Capitalizes on the sincere criticism of those around him
By rectifying his bad traits.
In this woman's fear of where speaking about her husband would lead,
Lies another crucial benefit:
Reflecting on the ultimate consequences of actions before taking them.
This demonstrates that this second woman was exceptionally wise.
For one who contemplates consequences
Remains far removed from blameworthy haste—
The kind of haste that can ruin her future,
Fill her heart with regret,
And leave her lamenting the past.
Her conduct also demonstrates her patience with her husband
And her noble demeanor toward him.
For it is unimaginable that a man with such bad character
Would be met by a woman with an equally bad disposition
Without him divorcing her.
Her words also demonstrate
Restraint of her tongue when speaking of her husband.
Restraining the tongue is one of the most vital traits that save one from Hellfire,
Reflecting a high degree of intellect and deliberation
Before uttering a single word.
This can only be achieved by those possessing self-control and balance,
Especially during moments of emotional strain.
Thus, she was a patient and wise woman,
Pondering the outcomes of her actions,
Capable of guarding her tongue,
Protective of her husband's secrets,
And eager to conceal his flaws.
Yet she was tested with a husband who appeared righteous outwardly
And treated people well,
But mistreated her within the home,
Possessing innumerable faults
Whose harm fell solely upon his own household.
Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"And in my view—and Allah knows best—
He was outwardly respectable
But inwardly corrupt.
Thus, she did not wish to expose his secrets.
Yet if she had spoken
As she had pledged to her companions,
She would have exposed his hidden ugliness
And revealed her own miserable state
And the immense grief he caused her, which had previously remained hidden.
Nevertheless, though she merely alluded without detailing
And spoke in generalities without elaborating,
She still disclosed much,
Even as she said, 'I will not spread his news,'
For one burdened with distress must inevitably vent."
Whoever is blessed with such a wise wife
Should not persist in mistreating her;
For she is a blessing from Allah Almighty
That demands gratitude.
Showing gratitude for blessings begins with self-rectification,
Adhering to the truth,
And embodying noble character.
I urge men to act upon this hadith,
Following the example of the noble Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
And emulating his conduct toward his family.
On the authority of 'A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), she said:
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
"The best of you are those who are best to their families,
And I am the best of you to my family."
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi.
Ibn Battal (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"In this lies a clear indication that what is most fitting and noble for a man
Is to bear the harm of his family patiently, turn a blind eye to them,
And pardon the personal grievances he endures at their hands,
So long as it does not violate the sacred rights of Allah.
This is supported by what 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated
Concerning the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)—
His patience with the mistreatment he experienced from his wives,
Their causing him distress, and their shunning him.
Yet it was never recorded that the Messenger of Allah punished them for that;
Rather, it was 'Umar who admonished them on his behalf, not the Messenger of Allah himself.
Reports regarding the character of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him)
Consistently confirm what 'Umar described;
Indeed, who else but him (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) should his Ummah emulate?"
Ibn 'Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"The best of people
Is the one who is best to his family.
If you possess any goodness,
Direct it toward those closest to you;
Let them be the primary beneficiaries of this goodness.
This stands in stark contrast to what some people do today:
You find a man ill-mannered with his family
Yet pleasant and polite with others.
This is a grave error.
Your family is most deserving of your good character;
Show them the finest treatment,
For they are the ones with you night and day,
In private and in public.
If affliction touches you,
They suffer alongside you;
If you rejoice, they rejoice with you;
And if you grieve, they grieve with you.
So let your treatment of them be better than your treatment of strangers.
The best of people is the one who is best to his family.
So how do you treat your family, honorable brother?
And which type of husband are you to your wife?"
We will continue in our next gathering, if Allah wills.
And praise be to Allah, Lord of all the worlds.