1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,399 In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. 2 00:00:03,399 --> 00:00:08,210 Categories of Men 3 00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:13,199 In the Hadith of Umm Zar' 4 00:00:13,199 --> 00:00:21,460 "My Husband Is a Tall, Lanky Fool" 5 00:00:21,460 --> 00:00:25,859 No era is free from a woman's suffering caused by her husband, 6 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:29,460 Nor from a man's suffering caused by his wife. 7 00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:34,060 For it is the very nature of this worldly life that it is never entirely free from hardship. 8 00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:38,259 Yet, one form of suffering differs from another. 9 00:00:38,259 --> 00:00:40,759 There is temporary suffering, 10 00:00:40,759 --> 00:00:43,759 And there is permanent suffering. 11 00:00:43,759 --> 00:00:45,960 The most difficult and protracted of all 12 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:50,460 Is the suffering tied to the inherent character traits of a man or a woman. 13 00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:55,560 The difficulty stems from a person's lack of desire to change their character 14 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:58,289 And adapt to those around them. 15 00:00:58,289 --> 00:00:59,390 Otherwise, 16 00:00:59,390 --> 00:01:02,990 Every blameworthy trait is capable of being changed. 17 00:01:03,090 --> 00:01:07,609 Whoever changes themselves, Allah changes their condition. 18 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:11,810 Some people may deny the possibility of changing one's character, 19 00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:14,810 Arguing that one is naturally dispositioned that way, 20 00:01:14,810 --> 00:01:16,310 Saying: 21 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:19,140 "Innate disposition always overcomes acquired behavior." 22 00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:21,340 This claim is refuted by 23 00:01:21,340 --> 00:01:24,140 Imam al-Ghazali (may Allah have mercy on him), 24 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:25,540 Who said: 25 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:28,739 "If character traits were incapable of change, 26 00:01:28,739 --> 00:01:33,069 Then exhortations, admonitions, and moral discipline would be rendered completely useless." 27 00:01:33,069 --> 00:01:38,269 Al-Ghazali supports this argument with another point, saying: 28 00:01:38,269 --> 00:01:41,569 "How can this be denied in the case of human beings, 29 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:44,769 When changing the nature of a beast is possible? 30 00:01:44,769 --> 00:01:48,870 For a falcon can be transformed from wildness to tameness, 31 00:01:48,870 --> 00:01:51,170 A dog can be trained out of its voracious eating habit 32 00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:54,569 To exhibit discipline, restraint, and release of prey, 33 00:01:54,569 --> 00:01:56,469 And a horse can be broken from stubborn refractoriness 34 00:01:56,469 --> 00:01:59,069 To smoothness and submissiveness. 35 00:01:59,069 --> 00:02:02,269 All of these represent a transformation of character traits. 36 00:02:04,099 --> 00:02:06,599 If this is possible in beasts, 37 00:02:06,599 --> 00:02:11,759 Then it applies all the more to human beings, whom Allah has honored with intellect. 38 00:02:11,759 --> 00:02:15,360 Thus, it is invalid for a man or a woman to excuse themselves by saying, 39 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,960 'This is just my nature.' 40 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,759 Good nature should be maintained, 41 00:02:19,759 --> 00:02:22,919 While bad nature must be changed. 42 00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:27,419 What we have covered regarding the suffering of the first and second wives 43 00:02:27,419 --> 00:02:32,780 All traces back to bad character traits in the husband that he failed to change. 44 00:02:32,879 --> 00:02:35,580 And this brings us to the third form of suffering, 45 00:02:35,580 --> 00:02:37,879 Narrated by the third woman, 46 00:02:37,879 --> 00:02:39,379 Who said: 47 00:02:39,379 --> 00:02:41,479 "My husband is a tall, lanky fool (*'ashannaq*). 48 00:02:41,479 --> 00:02:43,680 If I speak, I am divorced, 49 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,599 And if I remain silent, I am left suspended." 50 00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:52,199 This describes a plight showing that a woman is safe neither in silence nor in speech. 51 00:02:52,199 --> 00:02:54,659 So what is she to do? 52 00:02:54,659 --> 00:02:57,960 Abu 'Ubayd al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 53 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,560 "*Al-'Ashannaq* means tall, 54 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,689 As stated by al-Asma'i." 55 00:03:02,689 --> 00:03:03,889 She means: 56 00:03:03,889 --> 00:03:07,490 "He offers nothing beyond his height, devoid of any benefit. 57 00:03:07,490 --> 00:03:11,090 If I mention the faults he has, he divorces me; 58 00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:13,990 And if I remain silent, he leaves me suspended— 59 00:03:13,990 --> 00:03:18,770 Neither an unmarried woman nor a true wife." 60 00:03:18,770 --> 00:03:22,870 This woman describes her husband as tall. 61 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:26,069 Is she praising him or faulting him? 62 00:03:26,069 --> 00:03:29,069 The context clearly indicates dispraise. 63 00:03:29,069 --> 00:03:32,259 So what did she mean by this word? 64 00:03:32,259 --> 00:03:34,759 Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 65 00:03:34,759 --> 00:03:36,460 "Al-Asma'i said: 66 00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:41,460 She meant that he offers nothing beyond his height, devoid of any benefit. 67 00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:42,960 Others said: 68 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,360 He is one whose height is repulsive and unsightly. 69 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:46,460 It was also said: 70 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,259 She criticized him for his height 71 00:03:48,259 --> 00:03:52,050 Because tallness is often associated with foolishness." 72 00:03:52,050 --> 00:03:54,550 He also said (may Allah have mercy on him): 73 00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:56,849 "Abu Sa'id al-Darir said: 74 00:03:56,849 --> 00:03:58,050 The correct view is 75 00:03:58,050 --> 00:03:59,550 That *al-'ashannaq* refers to 76 00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:01,550 A tall, high-born man 77 00:04:01,550 --> 00:04:03,550 Who is master of his own affairs, 78 00:04:03,550 --> 00:04:06,250 Uncontrolled by women; 79 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:09,150 Rather, he rules over them as he pleases. 80 00:04:09,150 --> 00:04:13,050 Thus, his wife fears to speak in his presence, 81 00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:15,620 So she keeps silent in distress." 82 00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:17,420 Al-Zamakhshari said: 83 00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:20,220 "This is a most eloquent statement of complaint." End quote. 84 00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:21,750 This is supported by what appears in the narration of Ya'qub ibn al-Sikkit, 85 00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:25,449 Which contains an addition at the end: 86 00:04:25,449 --> 00:04:27,949 "And he is like the edge of a sharpened spearhead" 87 00:04:27,949 --> 00:04:31,350 (*'ala haddi al-sinani al-mudhallaq*). 88 00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:34,449 With a *dhal* and a doubled *lam*, 89 00:04:34,449 --> 00:04:37,649 Meaning a weapon drawn and sharpened in form and meaning, 90 00:04:37,649 --> 00:04:41,149 Indicating that she remains constantly on guard against him. 91 00:04:41,149 --> 00:04:44,149 It is also possible she meant by this 92 00:04:44,149 --> 00:04:47,449 That he is reckless and unstable, never settling into any condition, 93 00:04:47,449 --> 00:04:51,850 Like a razor-sharp spearhead. 94 00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:55,050 Describing him as a foolish, reckless man 95 00:04:55,050 --> 00:04:57,550 Is an explicit criticism. 96 00:04:57,550 --> 00:05:01,850 The Arabs say of someone who has appearance without substance: 97 00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:03,850 "You see young men like tall palm trees, 98 00:05:03,850 --> 00:05:06,610 But what do you know of what lies within?" 99 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:10,810 As for describing him as a man who is not controlled by women, 100 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:13,209 This is one of the qualities of manhood, 101 00:05:13,209 --> 00:05:15,410 So it is not considered a criticism. 102 00:05:15,410 --> 00:05:17,410 However, the context of her speech 103 00:05:17,410 --> 00:05:21,839 Indicates that she is criticizing him by describing him as tall. 104 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:23,439 Therefore, the correct meaning is 105 00:05:23,439 --> 00:05:26,639 That this type of men possesses mere external appearance 106 00:05:26,639 --> 00:05:28,939 But lacks inner substance. 107 00:05:28,939 --> 00:05:30,339 Unfortunately, 108 00:05:30,339 --> 00:05:34,139 Among young people today, there are many who obsess over their outward appearance 109 00:05:34,139 --> 00:05:37,339 Just to present an elegant image in public. 110 00:05:37,339 --> 00:05:39,639 Yet when they open their mouths and speak, 111 00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:42,639 They reveal a feeble mind. 112 00:05:42,639 --> 00:05:46,040 For a man to rid himself of this blight, 113 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:50,240 He must pursue knowledge and culture that cultivate his mind, 114 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,939 Not merely those that build his muscles. 115 00:05:53,939 --> 00:05:55,839 The greater calamity occurs 116 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:57,839 When both husband and wife become consumed 117 00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:00,439 By what is known today as triviality; 118 00:06:00,439 --> 00:06:04,730 Marital life will then rapidly collapse. 119 00:06:04,730 --> 00:06:08,029 Anyone who looks closely at the lives of celebrities 120 00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:12,329 Will find the misery and ruin in which they live— 121 00:06:12,329 --> 00:06:16,129 Those who deceive people with glittering appearances 122 00:06:16,129 --> 00:06:20,129 While sleeping on a bed of thorns made of conflicts and discord, 123 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:23,930 Because their minds are preoccupied with petty matters, 124 00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:28,129 And their primary focus is capturing false, glittering images 125 00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:30,930 To post on social media 126 00:06:30,930 --> 00:06:34,819 In pursuit of followers and fame. 127 00:06:34,819 --> 00:06:37,620 Yet this was not the only suffering 128 00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:40,620 Endured by this woman; 129 00:06:40,620 --> 00:06:42,920 Rather, there was another form of suffering 130 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,420 Expressed in her words: 131 00:06:45,420 --> 00:06:47,620 "If I speak, I am divorced, 132 00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:50,209 And if I remain silent, I am left suspended." 133 00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:52,910 Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 134 00:06:52,910 --> 00:06:55,110 "What also seems evident to me 135 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:58,910 Is that she intended to describe her wretched condition with him, 136 00:06:58,910 --> 00:07:01,310 Pointing to his ill nature 137 00:07:01,310 --> 00:07:03,709 And his inability to tolerate her words 138 00:07:03,709 --> 00:07:06,110 Should she complain to him about her situation. 139 00:07:06,110 --> 00:07:08,910 She knows that whenever she mentions 140 00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:10,509 Any such thing to him, 141 00:07:10,509 --> 00:07:12,910 He will hasten to divorce her, 142 00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:14,910 While she does not prefer his divorcing her, 143 00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:17,240 Owing to her love for him. 144 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,839 Then she expressed with the second sentence 145 00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:21,639 An indication that 146 00:07:21,639 --> 00:07:24,839 If she remains silent, enduring that state patiently, 147 00:07:24,839 --> 00:07:27,339 She remains with him like a suspended woman— 148 00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:32,500 Neither possessing a real husband nor being truly unmarried." 149 00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:35,300 Thus, she does not live with him in tranquility, 150 00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:38,720 But lives in perpetual anxiety. 151 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,819 Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 152 00:07:41,819 --> 00:07:44,720 "The implication of everything she described him with 153 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,120 Is bad character and poor companionship, 154 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:50,420 And that she is never safe from his harm and injury; 155 00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:54,720 Furthermore, he is blameworthy in both conduct and physical appearance, 156 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,519 And she remains on guard in his company, 157 00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,720 Unsettled in heart 158 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,519 And lacking composure around him, 159 00:08:02,519 --> 00:08:05,920 Constantly expecting his harm or separation. 160 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:09,319 Thus, her state with him is like one standing on the sharp edge of a spearhead, 161 00:08:09,319 --> 00:08:11,620 Driven by fear, apprehension, 162 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:14,920 And a total lack of tranquility and stability. 163 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,920 The Arabs say of someone who is 164 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,720 On high alert and unstable: 165 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,519 'As though he were on the tip of a spear, 166 00:08:22,519 --> 00:08:24,519 On the edge of a sword, 167 00:08:24,519 --> 00:08:28,420 Or on the horn of a gazelle.'" 168 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,420 One of the vital needs for a woman 169 00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:32,419 In her marital life 170 00:08:32,419 --> 00:08:36,620 Is to feel secure and stable with her husband. 171 00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:39,019 Yet this woman knows neither security 172 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,720 Nor stability, 173 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,620 Because her husband refuses to hear her speak, 174 00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:47,019 Threatening her with divorce if she speaks out, 175 00:08:47,019 --> 00:08:51,240 And if she remains silent, she lives with him suspended. 176 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,740 Almighty Allah 177 00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,740 Has forbidden men from harming women 178 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,840 By leaving them suspended in married life— 179 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,840 Neither fully a wife nor divorced. 180 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,840 He said: 181 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:08,840 ﴿You will never be able to maintain full emotional justice between wives, no matter how much you desire to do so. So do not incline completely toward one, leaving the other suspended.﴾ 182 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:15,159 “Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so). But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.” (4:129) 183 00:09:15,159 --> 00:09:17,159 Al-Sa'di (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 184 00:09:17,159 --> 00:09:20,159 "If a husband neglects 185 00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:22,159 The rights due to his wife, 186 00:09:22,259 --> 00:09:25,259 She becomes like a suspended woman who has no husband 187 00:09:25,259 --> 00:09:28,259 To grant her rest so she may prepare to remarry, 188 00:09:28,259 --> 00:09:32,259 Nor a functioning husband who fulfills her rights. 189 00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:37,159 Leaving a woman suspended is deeply harmful to her." 190 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:43,159 For marital life is built upon a lawful relationship between spouses; 191 00:09:43,159 --> 00:09:47,159 If the husband falls short in fulfilling his wife's chastity and intimacy, 192 00:09:47,159 --> 00:09:49,159 He exposes her to temptation— 193 00:09:49,159 --> 00:09:52,159 Especially in an era such as this, 194 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:57,259 Where women mix with men in many lines of work. 195 00:09:57,259 --> 00:10:00,450 The third woman's words indicate 196 00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:04,450 That she loved her husband and wanted no one else; 197 00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:06,450 For had she hated him, 198 00:10:06,450 --> 00:10:10,450 She would have spoken out and exposed his faults so that he would divorce her. 199 00:10:10,450 --> 00:10:14,450 Yet she chose silence over speech, 200 00:10:14,450 --> 00:10:17,450 Even though remaining silent would have brought her the same outcome, 201 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,450 for she would have remained left in suspense, 202 00:10:19,549 --> 00:10:25,549 unable to enjoy married life as other women do, 203 00:10:25,549 --> 00:10:27,549 except on rare occasions. 204 00:10:27,549 --> 00:10:32,809 Yet despite all this, she chose to stay with him out of her sheer love for him. 205 00:10:32,809 --> 00:10:36,809 Does a man truly appreciate such love that a woman harbors for him, 206 00:10:36,809 --> 00:10:39,809 despite his harsh mistreatment of her? 207 00:10:39,809 --> 00:10:43,809 And will he reconsider his way of living with his wife? 208 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:49,500 We will continue in our next meeting, if Allah wills. 209 00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:52,600 And all praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds.