In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Categories of Men
In the Hadith of Umm Zar'
"My Husband Is a Tall, Lanky Fool"
No era is free from a woman's suffering caused by her husband,
Nor from a man's suffering caused by his wife.
For it is the very nature of this worldly life that it is never entirely free from hardship.
Yet, one form of suffering differs from another.
There is temporary suffering,
And there is permanent suffering.
The most difficult and protracted of all
Is the suffering tied to the inherent character traits of a man or a woman.
The difficulty stems from a person's lack of desire to change their character
And adapt to those around them.
Otherwise,
Every blameworthy trait is capable of being changed.
Whoever changes themselves, Allah changes their condition.
Some people may deny the possibility of changing one's character,
Arguing that one is naturally dispositioned that way,
Saying:
"Innate disposition always overcomes acquired behavior."
This claim is refuted by
Imam al-Ghazali (may Allah have mercy on him),
Who said:
"If character traits were incapable of change,
Then exhortations, admonitions, and moral discipline would be rendered completely useless."
Al-Ghazali supports this argument with another point, saying:
"How can this be denied in the case of human beings,
When changing the nature of a beast is possible?
For a falcon can be transformed from wildness to tameness,
A dog can be trained out of its voracious eating habit
To exhibit discipline, restraint, and release of prey,
And a horse can be broken from stubborn refractoriness
To smoothness and submissiveness.
All of these represent a transformation of character traits.
If this is possible in beasts,
Then it applies all the more to human beings, whom Allah has honored with intellect.
Thus, it is invalid for a man or a woman to excuse themselves by saying,
'This is just my nature.'
Good nature should be maintained,
While bad nature must be changed.
What we have covered regarding the suffering of the first and second wives
All traces back to bad character traits in the husband that he failed to change.
And this brings us to the third form of suffering,
Narrated by the third woman,
Who said:
"My husband is a tall, lanky fool (*'ashannaq*).
If I speak, I am divorced,
And if I remain silent, I am left suspended."
This describes a plight showing that a woman is safe neither in silence nor in speech.
So what is she to do?
Abu 'Ubayd al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"*Al-'Ashannaq* means tall,
As stated by al-Asma'i."
She means:
"He offers nothing beyond his height, devoid of any benefit.
If I mention the faults he has, he divorces me;
And if I remain silent, he leaves me suspended—
Neither an unmarried woman nor a true wife."
This woman describes her husband as tall.
Is she praising him or faulting him?
The context clearly indicates dispraise.
So what did she mean by this word?
Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"Al-Asma'i said:
She meant that he offers nothing beyond his height, devoid of any benefit.
Others said:
He is one whose height is repulsive and unsightly.
It was also said:
She criticized him for his height
Because tallness is often associated with foolishness."
He also said (may Allah have mercy on him):
"Abu Sa'id al-Darir said:
The correct view is
That *al-'ashannaq* refers to
A tall, high-born man
Who is master of his own affairs,
Uncontrolled by women;
Rather, he rules over them as he pleases.
Thus, his wife fears to speak in his presence,
So she keeps silent in distress."
Al-Zamakhshari said:
"This is a most eloquent statement of complaint." End quote.
This is supported by what appears in the narration of Ya'qub ibn al-Sikkit,
Which contains an addition at the end:
"And he is like the edge of a sharpened spearhead"
(*'ala haddi al-sinani al-mudhallaq*).
With a *dhal* and a doubled *lam*,
Meaning a weapon drawn and sharpened in form and meaning,
Indicating that she remains constantly on guard against him.
It is also possible she meant by this
That he is reckless and unstable, never settling into any condition,
Like a razor-sharp spearhead.
Describing him as a foolish, reckless man
Is an explicit criticism.
The Arabs say of someone who has appearance without substance:
"You see young men like tall palm trees,
But what do you know of what lies within?"
As for describing him as a man who is not controlled by women,
This is one of the qualities of manhood,
So it is not considered a criticism.
However, the context of her speech
Indicates that she is criticizing him by describing him as tall.
Therefore, the correct meaning is
That this type of men possesses mere external appearance
But lacks inner substance.
Unfortunately,
Among young people today, there are many who obsess over their outward appearance
Just to present an elegant image in public.
Yet when they open their mouths and speak,
They reveal a feeble mind.
For a man to rid himself of this blight,
He must pursue knowledge and culture that cultivate his mind,
Not merely those that build his muscles.
The greater calamity occurs
When both husband and wife become consumed
By what is known today as triviality;
Marital life will then rapidly collapse.
Anyone who looks closely at the lives of celebrities
Will find the misery and ruin in which they live—
Those who deceive people with glittering appearances
While sleeping on a bed of thorns made of conflicts and discord,
Because their minds are preoccupied with petty matters,
And their primary focus is capturing false, glittering images
To post on social media
In pursuit of followers and fame.
Yet this was not the only suffering
Endured by this woman;
Rather, there was another form of suffering
Expressed in her words:
"If I speak, I am divorced,
And if I remain silent, I am left suspended."
Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"What also seems evident to me
Is that she intended to describe her wretched condition with him,
Pointing to his ill nature
And his inability to tolerate her words
Should she complain to him about her situation.
She knows that whenever she mentions
Any such thing to him,
He will hasten to divorce her,
While she does not prefer his divorcing her,
Owing to her love for him.
Then she expressed with the second sentence
An indication that
If she remains silent, enduring that state patiently,
She remains with him like a suspended woman—
Neither possessing a real husband nor being truly unmarried."
Thus, she does not live with him in tranquility,
But lives in perpetual anxiety.
Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"The implication of everything she described him with
Is bad character and poor companionship,
And that she is never safe from his harm and injury;
Furthermore, he is blameworthy in both conduct and physical appearance,
And she remains on guard in his company,
Unsettled in heart
And lacking composure around him,
Constantly expecting his harm or separation.
Thus, her state with him is like one standing on the sharp edge of a spearhead,
Driven by fear, apprehension,
And a total lack of tranquility and stability.
The Arabs say of someone who is
On high alert and unstable:
'As though he were on the tip of a spear,
On the edge of a sword,
Or on the horn of a gazelle.'"
One of the vital needs for a woman
In her marital life
Is to feel secure and stable with her husband.
Yet this woman knows neither security
Nor stability,
Because her husband refuses to hear her speak,
Threatening her with divorce if she speaks out,
And if she remains silent, she lives with him suspended.
Almighty Allah
Has forbidden men from harming women
By leaving them suspended in married life—
Neither fully a wife nor divorced.
He said:
﴿You will never be able to maintain full emotional justice between wives, no matter how much you desire to do so. So do not incline completely toward one, leaving the other suspended.﴾
“Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so). But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.” (4:129)
Al-Sa'di (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"If a husband neglects
The rights due to his wife,
She becomes like a suspended woman who has no husband
To grant her rest so she may prepare to remarry,
Nor a functioning husband who fulfills her rights.
Leaving a woman suspended is deeply harmful to her."
For marital life is built upon a lawful relationship between spouses;
If the husband falls short in fulfilling his wife's chastity and intimacy,
He exposes her to temptation—
Especially in an era such as this,
Where women mix with men in many lines of work.
The third woman's words indicate
That she loved her husband and wanted no one else;
For had she hated him,
She would have spoken out and exposed his faults so that he would divorce her.
Yet she chose silence over speech,
Even though remaining silent would have brought her the same outcome,
for she would have remained left in suspense,
unable to enjoy married life as other women do,
except on rare occasions.
Yet despite all this, she chose to stay with him out of her sheer love for him.
Does a man truly appreciate such love that a woman harbors for him,
despite his harsh mistreatment of her?
And will he reconsider his way of living with his wife?
We will continue in our next meeting, if Allah wills.
And all praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds.