1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000 In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. 2 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:16,920 Categories of Men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'. 3 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,920 "My husband is like the night of Tihamah..." 4 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:26,739 If the preceding three categories of men were bad, 5 00:00:26,739 --> 00:00:30,739 this represents a good and wholesome category of men. 6 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:34,740 Such is life: it contains both the good and the bad. 7 00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:38,740 Thus, it is incorrect to generalize a single category to all people, 8 00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:41,740 neither to men nor to women. 9 00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:45,780 Rather, making sweeping generalizations when judging people is a form of injustice, 10 00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:50,780 whether applied to the people of a country, a tribe, or anyone else. 11 00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:55,780 It is improper to say that all men are identical, 12 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:59,780 nor should it be said that all women are identical; 13 00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:02,780 rather, there is goodness in each. 14 00:01:02,780 --> 00:01:07,840 This is a virtuous category of men that differs from those before it, 15 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:10,840 as the fourth woman describes him, saying: 16 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,840 "My husband is like the night of Tihamah: 17 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:18,840 neither hot nor cold, inspiring no fear, and causing no weariness." 18 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,129 Abu 'Ubayd al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 19 00:01:22,129 --> 00:01:26,129 "She means he causes no distress or harm. 20 00:01:26,129 --> 00:01:28,129 This is merely a metaphor, 21 00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:33,129 because both extreme heat and extreme cold cause distress when severe." 22 00:01:33,129 --> 00:01:35,189 "Inspiring no fear"— 23 00:01:35,189 --> 00:01:40,189 she means he possesses no treacherous violence or evil that she might fear. 24 00:01:40,189 --> 00:01:42,189 "And causing no weariness"— 25 00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:46,189 she means he does not grow weary of me or tire of my companionship. 26 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,290 Al-Isbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 27 00:01:49,290 --> 00:01:52,290 "The nights of Tihamah are remembered for their pleasantness; 28 00:01:52,290 --> 00:01:55,290 meaning, he causes no distress or harm." 29 00:01:55,290 --> 00:01:58,349 Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 30 00:01:58,349 --> 00:02:04,349 "She means her husband is neither burdensome nor slow-witted and harsh; 31 00:02:04,349 --> 00:02:06,349 rather, he possesses sweet mannerisms, 32 00:02:06,349 --> 00:02:08,349 is easygoing with his companion, 33 00:02:08,349 --> 00:02:10,349 and is gentle in approach." 34 00:02:10,349 --> 00:02:13,580 Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 35 00:02:13,580 --> 00:02:16,580 "She described her husband with beautiful companionship, 36 00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:20,580 moderation of temper, and inner purity. 37 00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:22,580 It is as if she said: 38 00:02:22,580 --> 00:02:25,580 'He causes no harm or displeasure; 39 00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,580 I feel safe with him, 40 00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:29,580 fearing no evil from him; 41 00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:33,580 he harbors no weariness that would make him tire of my company,' 42 00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:35,580 or, 'He is not ill-mannered, 43 00:02:35,580 --> 00:02:37,580 such that I would tire of his company. 44 00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:40,580 Thus, my life with him is delightful, 45 00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:44,580 like the delight the people of Tihamah find in their moderate nights.'" 46 00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:50,139 This woman described her husband with eloquent praise, 47 00:02:50,139 --> 00:02:53,139 clearly highlighting his commendable traits 48 00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:57,139 that every woman desires in her husband. 49 00:02:57,139 --> 00:03:02,139 Every woman finds happiness in feeling safe with her husband, 50 00:03:02,139 --> 00:03:06,139 and this feeling is fostered by the husband's conduct— 51 00:03:06,139 --> 00:03:08,139 just as it can be lost 52 00:03:08,139 --> 00:03:11,210 because of the husband's conduct. 53 00:03:11,210 --> 00:03:15,210 A man threatening his wife with divorce for the trivial reasons, 54 00:03:15,210 --> 00:03:18,210 or frequently mentioning divorce in her presence, 55 00:03:18,210 --> 00:03:20,210 deprives her of psychological security 56 00:03:20,210 --> 00:03:23,210 and forces her to live in constant fear, 57 00:03:23,210 --> 00:03:26,210 because she feels insecure regarding this matter. 58 00:03:26,210 --> 00:03:30,270 It is unbecoming of a wise man to threaten his wife with divorce 59 00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:34,270 over the slightest dispute that arises between them; 60 00:03:34,270 --> 00:03:38,270 rather, a wise man does not even utter divorce before his wife, 61 00:03:38,270 --> 00:03:42,270 and does not resort to divorce except after exhausting all means 62 00:03:42,270 --> 00:03:44,270 of resolving his problem with her, 63 00:03:44,270 --> 00:03:49,460 and after seeking Allah's guidance (Istikharah), consulting others, and due deliberation. 64 00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:52,460 Indeed, a woman's sense of security with her husband 65 00:03:52,460 --> 00:03:56,460 is considered one of her most crucial factors of happiness, 66 00:03:56,460 --> 00:04:00,460 and it inspires abundant giving and sacrifice for your sake, 67 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:02,460 O noble man; 68 00:04:02,460 --> 00:04:04,460 so safeguard it, and you will be happy. 69 00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:06,659 This sense of security 70 00:04:06,659 --> 00:04:09,659 was described by this fourth woman 71 00:04:09,659 --> 00:04:13,659 through three important attributes in marital life. 72 00:04:13,659 --> 00:04:15,659 The first of them: 73 00:04:15,659 --> 00:04:19,660 gentleness in dealing with the wife in marital life. 74 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,660 The woman likened him to the night of Tihamah: 75 00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:24,660 "neither hot nor cold," 76 00:04:24,660 --> 00:04:27,660 meaning moderate and pleasant. 77 00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:31,660 This is how a man ought to be in his marital life: 78 00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:35,660 he does not harm his wife in any way, 79 00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:39,660 for she is his companion in this worldly life, 80 00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:41,660 whom he chose by his own consent 81 00:04:41,660 --> 00:04:45,660 and strived to gain her acceptance, 82 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:49,660 offering money, gold, and gifts so she would accept him. 83 00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:52,660 After all this, should he harm her— 84 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:56,750 when he so quickly needs her and cannot dispense with her? 85 00:04:56,750 --> 00:05:01,819 Why then should he cloud her mood and disturb her soul? 86 00:05:01,819 --> 00:05:04,819 The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade a man 87 00:05:04,819 --> 00:05:07,819 from mistreating his wife at the beginning of the day 88 00:05:07,819 --> 00:05:10,819 and then intimate with her at the end of it. 89 00:05:10,819 --> 00:05:13,819 On the authority of 'Abdullah ibn Zam'ah (may Allah be pleased with him), 90 00:05:13,819 --> 00:05:17,819 the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: 91 00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:21,819 "None of you should flog his wife as he flogs a slave, 92 00:05:21,819 --> 00:05:24,819 and then have intercourse with her at the end of the day." 93 00:05:24,819 --> 00:05:26,819 Narrated by al-Bukhari. 94 00:05:26,819 --> 00:05:31,069 Abu al-'Abbas al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 95 00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:34,069 "This is a rebuke to one who flogs his wife 96 00:05:34,069 --> 00:05:39,069 and does so excessively until he treats her like a slave-woman, 97 00:05:39,069 --> 00:05:42,069 and then, a short while later, 98 00:05:42,069 --> 00:05:44,069 returns to share her bed 99 00:05:44,069 --> 00:05:47,069 and fulfill his desire through her. 100 00:05:47,069 --> 00:05:50,069 She will not yield to him willingly, nor display affection toward him, 101 00:05:50,069 --> 00:05:52,069 and she may come to detest him— 102 00:05:52,069 --> 00:05:54,069 even while he might love her— 103 00:05:54,069 --> 00:05:58,069 thereby ruining their relationship and worsening their situation, 104 00:05:58,069 --> 00:06:03,069 causing the mercy and affection Allah Almighty placed between spouses to vanish, 105 00:06:03,069 --> 00:06:06,069 giving rise to its opposite. 106 00:06:06,069 --> 00:06:08,069 Thus, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) alerted us, 107 00:06:08,069 --> 00:06:10,069 through these concise words, 108 00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:14,170 to the corruptions that arise from such behavior." 109 00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:17,170 Ibn Hajar al-'Asqalani (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 110 00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:20,170 "Sexual intimacy or sharing a bed 111 00:06:20,170 --> 00:06:25,170 is only fitting when accompanied by psychological inclination and a genuine desire for companionship, 112 00:06:25,170 --> 00:06:28,170 whereas one who has been flogged naturally feels aversion toward the flogger. 113 00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:33,670 Thus, the text points to the condemnation of such conduct." 114 00:06:33,670 --> 00:06:36,670 The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) truly gave due regard 115 00:06:36,670 --> 00:06:41,670 to a woman's psychological need to feel secure and at peace with her husband. 116 00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:45,670 He alerted the husband to proper etiquette in interacting with a woman, 117 00:06:45,670 --> 00:06:48,670 emphasizing that it is improper to treat a woman 118 00:06:48,670 --> 00:06:52,769 as merely a body without a soul or feelings. 119 00:06:52,769 --> 00:06:57,769 A mentally healthy woman surrenders her body only to the one she loves 120 00:06:57,769 --> 00:07:01,769 and in a state of complete psychological tranquility. 121 00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:03,990 The second attribute: 122 00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,990 inner purity, 123 00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:10,990 such that she expects no form of betrayal from him in marital life, 124 00:07:10,990 --> 00:07:12,990 nor does she fear it. 125 00:07:12,990 --> 00:07:16,990 This is the pinnacle of psychological security in a woman's life: 126 00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:19,990 to feel complete trust in her husband, 127 00:07:19,990 --> 00:07:25,149 where his inner self matches his outer demeanor—pure, without treachery. 128 00:07:25,149 --> 00:07:27,149 The third attribute: 129 00:07:27,149 --> 00:07:31,149 fine companionship and beautiful conduct, never growing weary of her. 130 00:07:31,149 --> 00:07:35,149 This conveys to the woman her husband's deep love for her. 131 00:07:35,149 --> 00:07:41,149 Fine companionship and beautiful conduct stem only from one possessing noble character, 132 00:07:41,149 --> 00:07:46,149 and spending long periods sitting with one's wife is proof of his love for her. 133 00:07:46,149 --> 00:07:50,149 This necessitates listening attentively to her, 134 00:07:50,149 --> 00:07:52,149 for when he sits with her, 135 00:07:52,149 --> 00:07:56,149 she feels reassured speaking to him and finds comfort in his presence. 136 00:07:56,149 --> 00:08:00,149 This is precisely what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did 137 00:08:00,149 --> 00:08:02,149 in the Hadith of Umm Zar': 138 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,149 he sat with 'A'ishah, 139 00:08:04,149 --> 00:08:06,149 engaged in pleasant night-conversation with her, 140 00:08:06,149 --> 00:08:09,149 and listened to her attentively. 141 00:08:09,149 --> 00:08:15,149 A woman also has a role in dispelling monotony from marital life through good companionship, 142 00:08:15,149 --> 00:08:17,149 choosing engaging topics of conversation, 143 00:08:17,149 --> 00:08:22,149 and bringing renewal to her life, attire, and home. 144 00:08:22,149 --> 00:08:26,149 That is why 'Amr ibn al-'As made his beautiful statement: 145 00:08:26,149 --> 00:08:30,149 "I never grow weary of my riding beast so long as it carries my leg, 146 00:08:30,149 --> 00:08:33,149 nor of my wife so long as she maintains good companionship, 147 00:08:33,149 --> 00:08:37,149 nor of my friend so long as he keeps my secret. 148 00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:40,149 Indeed, weariness is among the false traits of character." 149 00:08:40,149 --> 00:08:44,500 How are you, then, O noble man, with your wife? 150 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,500 Does she feel safe with you? 151 00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:50,500 Do you long to sit with her? 152 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:54,500 Do you have the capacity to listen to her without interrupting, 153 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,500 even if her speech goes on at length? 154 00:08:56,500 --> 00:09:00,879 We shall continue in a future gathering, Allah willing. 155 00:09:00,879 --> 00:09:03,879 And praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.