In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Categories of Men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'.
"My husband is like the night of Tihamah..."
If the preceding three categories of men were bad,
this represents a good and wholesome category of men.
Such is life: it contains both the good and the bad.
Thus, it is incorrect to generalize a single category to all people,
neither to men nor to women.
Rather, making sweeping generalizations when judging people is a form of injustice,
whether applied to the people of a country, a tribe, or anyone else.
It is improper to say that all men are identical,
nor should it be said that all women are identical;
rather, there is goodness in each.
This is a virtuous category of men that differs from those before it,
as the fourth woman describes him, saying:
"My husband is like the night of Tihamah:
neither hot nor cold, inspiring no fear, and causing no weariness."
Abu 'Ubayd al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"She means he causes no distress or harm.
This is merely a metaphor,
because both extreme heat and extreme cold cause distress when severe."
"Inspiring no fear"—
she means he possesses no treacherous violence or evil that she might fear.
"And causing no weariness"—
she means he does not grow weary of me or tire of my companionship.
Al-Isbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"The nights of Tihamah are remembered for their pleasantness;
meaning, he causes no distress or harm."
Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"She means her husband is neither burdensome nor slow-witted and harsh;
rather, he possesses sweet mannerisms,
is easygoing with his companion,
and is gentle in approach."
Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"She described her husband with beautiful companionship,
moderation of temper, and inner purity.
It is as if she said:
'He causes no harm or displeasure;
I feel safe with him,
fearing no evil from him;
he harbors no weariness that would make him tire of my company,'
or, 'He is not ill-mannered,
such that I would tire of his company.
Thus, my life with him is delightful,
like the delight the people of Tihamah find in their moderate nights.'"
This woman described her husband with eloquent praise,
clearly highlighting his commendable traits
that every woman desires in her husband.
Every woman finds happiness in feeling safe with her husband,
and this feeling is fostered by the husband's conduct—
just as it can be lost
because of the husband's conduct.
A man threatening his wife with divorce for the trivial reasons,
or frequently mentioning divorce in her presence,
deprives her of psychological security
and forces her to live in constant fear,
because she feels insecure regarding this matter.
It is unbecoming of a wise man to threaten his wife with divorce
over the slightest dispute that arises between them;
rather, a wise man does not even utter divorce before his wife,
and does not resort to divorce except after exhausting all means
of resolving his problem with her,
and after seeking Allah's guidance (Istikharah), consulting others, and due deliberation.
Indeed, a woman's sense of security with her husband
is considered one of her most crucial factors of happiness,
and it inspires abundant giving and sacrifice for your sake,
O noble man;
so safeguard it, and you will be happy.
This sense of security
was described by this fourth woman
through three important attributes in marital life.
The first of them:
gentleness in dealing with the wife in marital life.
The woman likened him to the night of Tihamah:
"neither hot nor cold,"
meaning moderate and pleasant.
This is how a man ought to be in his marital life:
he does not harm his wife in any way,
for she is his companion in this worldly life,
whom he chose by his own consent
and strived to gain her acceptance,
offering money, gold, and gifts so she would accept him.
After all this, should he harm her—
when he so quickly needs her and cannot dispense with her?
Why then should he cloud her mood and disturb her soul?
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade a man
from mistreating his wife at the beginning of the day
and then intimate with her at the end of it.
On the authority of 'Abdullah ibn Zam'ah (may Allah be pleased with him),
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
"None of you should flog his wife as he flogs a slave,
and then have intercourse with her at the end of the day."
Narrated by al-Bukhari.
Abu al-'Abbas al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"This is a rebuke to one who flogs his wife
and does so excessively until he treats her like a slave-woman,
and then, a short while later,
returns to share her bed
and fulfill his desire through her.
She will not yield to him willingly, nor display affection toward him,
and she may come to detest him—
even while he might love her—
thereby ruining their relationship and worsening their situation,
causing the mercy and affection Allah Almighty placed between spouses to vanish,
giving rise to its opposite.
Thus, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) alerted us,
through these concise words,
to the corruptions that arise from such behavior."
Ibn Hajar al-'Asqalani (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
"Sexual intimacy or sharing a bed
is only fitting when accompanied by psychological inclination and a genuine desire for companionship,
whereas one who has been flogged naturally feels aversion toward the flogger.
Thus, the text points to the condemnation of such conduct."
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) truly gave due regard
to a woman's psychological need to feel secure and at peace with her husband.
He alerted the husband to proper etiquette in interacting with a woman,
emphasizing that it is improper to treat a woman
as merely a body without a soul or feelings.
A mentally healthy woman surrenders her body only to the one she loves
and in a state of complete psychological tranquility.
The second attribute:
inner purity,
such that she expects no form of betrayal from him in marital life,
nor does she fear it.
This is the pinnacle of psychological security in a woman's life:
to feel complete trust in her husband,
where his inner self matches his outer demeanor—pure, without treachery.
The third attribute:
fine companionship and beautiful conduct, never growing weary of her.
This conveys to the woman her husband's deep love for her.
Fine companionship and beautiful conduct stem only from one possessing noble character,
and spending long periods sitting with one's wife is proof of his love for her.
This necessitates listening attentively to her,
for when he sits with her,
she feels reassured speaking to him and finds comfort in his presence.
This is precisely what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did
in the Hadith of Umm Zar':
he sat with 'A'ishah,
engaged in pleasant night-conversation with her,
and listened to her attentively.
A woman also has a role in dispelling monotony from marital life through good companionship,
choosing engaging topics of conversation,
and bringing renewal to her life, attire, and home.
That is why 'Amr ibn al-'As made his beautiful statement:
"I never grow weary of my riding beast so long as it carries my leg,
nor of my wife so long as she maintains good companionship,
nor of my friend so long as he keeps my secret.
Indeed, weariness is among the false traits of character."
How are you, then, O noble man, with your wife?
Does she feel safe with you?
Do you long to sit with her?
Do you have the capacity to listen to her without interrupting,
even if her speech goes on at length?
We shall continue in a future gathering, Allah willing.
And praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.