WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.000 In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. 00:00:03.000 --> 00:00:16.920 Categories of Men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'. 00:00:16.920 --> 00:00:19.920 "My husband is like the night of Tihamah..." 00:00:19.920 --> 00:00:26.739 If the preceding three categories of men were bad, 00:00:26.739 --> 00:00:30.739 this represents a good and wholesome category of men. 00:00:30.739 --> 00:00:34.740 Such is life: it contains both the good and the bad. 00:00:34.740 --> 00:00:38.740 Thus, it is incorrect to generalize a single category to all people, 00:00:38.740 --> 00:00:41.740 neither to men nor to women. 00:00:41.740 --> 00:00:45.780 Rather, making sweeping generalizations when judging people is a form of injustice, 00:00:45.780 --> 00:00:50.780 whether applied to the people of a country, a tribe, or anyone else. 00:00:50.780 --> 00:00:55.780 It is improper to say that all men are identical, 00:00:55.780 --> 00:00:59.780 nor should it be said that all women are identical; 00:00:59.780 --> 00:01:02.780 rather, there is goodness in each. 00:01:02.780 --> 00:01:07.840 This is a virtuous category of men that differs from those before it, 00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:10.840 as the fourth woman describes him, saying: 00:01:10.840 --> 00:01:13.840 "My husband is like the night of Tihamah: 00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:18.840 neither hot nor cold, inspiring no fear, and causing no weariness." 00:01:18.840 --> 00:01:22.129 Abu 'Ubayd al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 00:01:22.129 --> 00:01:26.129 "She means he causes no distress or harm. 00:01:26.129 --> 00:01:28.129 This is merely a metaphor, 00:01:28.129 --> 00:01:33.129 because both extreme heat and extreme cold cause distress when severe." 00:01:33.129 --> 00:01:35.189 "Inspiring no fear"— 00:01:35.189 --> 00:01:40.189 she means he possesses no treacherous violence or evil that she might fear. 00:01:40.189 --> 00:01:42.189 "And causing no weariness"— 00:01:42.189 --> 00:01:46.189 she means he does not grow weary of me or tire of my companionship. 00:01:46.189 --> 00:01:49.290 Al-Isbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 00:01:49.290 --> 00:01:52.290 "The nights of Tihamah are remembered for their pleasantness; 00:01:52.290 --> 00:01:55.290 meaning, he causes no distress or harm." 00:01:55.290 --> 00:01:58.349 Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 00:01:58.349 --> 00:02:04.349 "She means her husband is neither burdensome nor slow-witted and harsh; 00:02:04.349 --> 00:02:06.349 rather, he possesses sweet mannerisms, 00:02:06.349 --> 00:02:08.349 is easygoing with his companion, 00:02:08.349 --> 00:02:10.349 and is gentle in approach." 00:02:10.349 --> 00:02:13.580 Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 00:02:13.580 --> 00:02:16.580 "She described her husband with beautiful companionship, 00:02:16.580 --> 00:02:20.580 moderation of temper, and inner purity. 00:02:20.580 --> 00:02:22.580 It is as if she said: 00:02:22.580 --> 00:02:25.580 'He causes no harm or displeasure; 00:02:25.580 --> 00:02:27.580 I feel safe with him, 00:02:27.580 --> 00:02:29.580 fearing no evil from him; 00:02:29.580 --> 00:02:33.580 he harbors no weariness that would make him tire of my company,' 00:02:33.580 --> 00:02:35.580 or, 'He is not ill-mannered, 00:02:35.580 --> 00:02:37.580 such that I would tire of his company. 00:02:37.580 --> 00:02:40.580 Thus, my life with him is delightful, 00:02:40.580 --> 00:02:44.580 like the delight the people of Tihamah find in their moderate nights.'" 00:02:44.580 --> 00:02:50.139 This woman described her husband with eloquent praise, 00:02:50.139 --> 00:02:53.139 clearly highlighting his commendable traits 00:02:53.139 --> 00:02:57.139 that every woman desires in her husband. 00:02:57.139 --> 00:03:02.139 Every woman finds happiness in feeling safe with her husband, 00:03:02.139 --> 00:03:06.139 and this feeling is fostered by the husband's conduct— 00:03:06.139 --> 00:03:08.139 just as it can be lost 00:03:08.139 --> 00:03:11.210 because of the husband's conduct. 00:03:11.210 --> 00:03:15.210 A man threatening his wife with divorce for the trivial reasons, 00:03:15.210 --> 00:03:18.210 or frequently mentioning divorce in her presence, 00:03:18.210 --> 00:03:20.210 deprives her of psychological security 00:03:20.210 --> 00:03:23.210 and forces her to live in constant fear, 00:03:23.210 --> 00:03:26.210 because she feels insecure regarding this matter. 00:03:26.210 --> 00:03:30.270 It is unbecoming of a wise man to threaten his wife with divorce 00:03:30.270 --> 00:03:34.270 over the slightest dispute that arises between them; 00:03:34.270 --> 00:03:38.270 rather, a wise man does not even utter divorce before his wife, 00:03:38.270 --> 00:03:42.270 and does not resort to divorce except after exhausting all means 00:03:42.270 --> 00:03:44.270 of resolving his problem with her, 00:03:44.270 --> 00:03:49.460 and after seeking Allah's guidance (Istikharah), consulting others, and due deliberation. 00:03:49.460 --> 00:03:52.460 Indeed, a woman's sense of security with her husband 00:03:52.460 --> 00:03:56.460 is considered one of her most crucial factors of happiness, 00:03:56.460 --> 00:04:00.460 and it inspires abundant giving and sacrifice for your sake, 00:04:00.460 --> 00:04:02.460 O noble man; 00:04:02.460 --> 00:04:04.460 so safeguard it, and you will be happy. 00:04:04.460 --> 00:04:06.659 This sense of security 00:04:06.659 --> 00:04:09.659 was described by this fourth woman 00:04:09.659 --> 00:04:13.659 through three important attributes in marital life. 00:04:13.659 --> 00:04:15.659 The first of them: 00:04:15.659 --> 00:04:19.660 gentleness in dealing with the wife in marital life. 00:04:19.660 --> 00:04:22.660 The woman likened him to the night of Tihamah: 00:04:22.660 --> 00:04:24.660 "neither hot nor cold," 00:04:24.660 --> 00:04:27.660 meaning moderate and pleasant. 00:04:27.660 --> 00:04:31.660 This is how a man ought to be in his marital life: 00:04:31.660 --> 00:04:35.660 he does not harm his wife in any way, 00:04:35.660 --> 00:04:39.660 for she is his companion in this worldly life, 00:04:39.660 --> 00:04:41.660 whom he chose by his own consent 00:04:41.660 --> 00:04:45.660 and strived to gain her acceptance, 00:04:45.660 --> 00:04:49.660 offering money, gold, and gifts so she would accept him. 00:04:49.660 --> 00:04:52.660 After all this, should he harm her— 00:04:52.660 --> 00:04:56.750 when he so quickly needs her and cannot dispense with her? 00:04:56.750 --> 00:05:01.819 Why then should he cloud her mood and disturb her soul? 00:05:01.819 --> 00:05:04.819 The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade a man 00:05:04.819 --> 00:05:07.819 from mistreating his wife at the beginning of the day 00:05:07.819 --> 00:05:10.819 and then intimate with her at the end of it. 00:05:10.819 --> 00:05:13.819 On the authority of 'Abdullah ibn Zam'ah (may Allah be pleased with him), 00:05:13.819 --> 00:05:17.819 the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: 00:05:17.819 --> 00:05:21.819 "None of you should flog his wife as he flogs a slave, 00:05:21.819 --> 00:05:24.819 and then have intercourse with her at the end of the day." 00:05:24.819 --> 00:05:26.819 Narrated by al-Bukhari. 00:05:26.819 --> 00:05:31.069 Abu al-'Abbas al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 00:05:31.069 --> 00:05:34.069 "This is a rebuke to one who flogs his wife 00:05:34.069 --> 00:05:39.069 and does so excessively until he treats her like a slave-woman, 00:05:39.069 --> 00:05:42.069 and then, a short while later, 00:05:42.069 --> 00:05:44.069 returns to share her bed 00:05:44.069 --> 00:05:47.069 and fulfill his desire through her. 00:05:47.069 --> 00:05:50.069 She will not yield to him willingly, nor display affection toward him, 00:05:50.069 --> 00:05:52.069 and she may come to detest him— 00:05:52.069 --> 00:05:54.069 even while he might love her— 00:05:54.069 --> 00:05:58.069 thereby ruining their relationship and worsening their situation, 00:05:58.069 --> 00:06:03.069 causing the mercy and affection Allah Almighty placed between spouses to vanish, 00:06:03.069 --> 00:06:06.069 giving rise to its opposite. 00:06:06.069 --> 00:06:08.069 Thus, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) alerted us, 00:06:08.069 --> 00:06:10.069 through these concise words, 00:06:10.069 --> 00:06:14.170 to the corruptions that arise from such behavior." 00:06:14.170 --> 00:06:17.170 Ibn Hajar al-'Asqalani (may Allah have mercy on him) said: 00:06:17.170 --> 00:06:20.170 "Sexual intimacy or sharing a bed 00:06:20.170 --> 00:06:25.170 is only fitting when accompanied by psychological inclination and a genuine desire for companionship, 00:06:25.170 --> 00:06:28.170 whereas one who has been flogged naturally feels aversion toward the flogger. 00:06:28.170 --> 00:06:33.670 Thus, the text points to the condemnation of such conduct." 00:06:33.670 --> 00:06:36.670 The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) truly gave due regard 00:06:36.670 --> 00:06:41.670 to a woman's psychological need to feel secure and at peace with her husband. 00:06:41.670 --> 00:06:45.670 He alerted the husband to proper etiquette in interacting with a woman, 00:06:45.670 --> 00:06:48.670 emphasizing that it is improper to treat a woman 00:06:48.670 --> 00:06:52.769 as merely a body without a soul or feelings. 00:06:52.769 --> 00:06:57.769 A mentally healthy woman surrenders her body only to the one she loves 00:06:57.769 --> 00:07:01.769 and in a state of complete psychological tranquility. 00:07:01.769 --> 00:07:03.990 The second attribute: 00:07:03.990 --> 00:07:05.990 inner purity, 00:07:05.990 --> 00:07:10.990 such that she expects no form of betrayal from him in marital life, 00:07:10.990 --> 00:07:12.990 nor does she fear it. 00:07:12.990 --> 00:07:16.990 This is the pinnacle of psychological security in a woman's life: 00:07:16.990 --> 00:07:19.990 to feel complete trust in her husband, 00:07:19.990 --> 00:07:25.149 where his inner self matches his outer demeanor—pure, without treachery. 00:07:25.149 --> 00:07:27.149 The third attribute: 00:07:27.149 --> 00:07:31.149 fine companionship and beautiful conduct, never growing weary of her. 00:07:31.149 --> 00:07:35.149 This conveys to the woman her husband's deep love for her. 00:07:35.149 --> 00:07:41.149 Fine companionship and beautiful conduct stem only from one possessing noble character, 00:07:41.149 --> 00:07:46.149 and spending long periods sitting with one's wife is proof of his love for her. 00:07:46.149 --> 00:07:50.149 This necessitates listening attentively to her, 00:07:50.149 --> 00:07:52.149 for when he sits with her, 00:07:52.149 --> 00:07:56.149 she feels reassured speaking to him and finds comfort in his presence. 00:07:56.149 --> 00:08:00.149 This is precisely what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did 00:08:00.149 --> 00:08:02.149 in the Hadith of Umm Zar': 00:08:02.149 --> 00:08:04.149 he sat with 'A'ishah, 00:08:04.149 --> 00:08:06.149 engaged in pleasant night-conversation with her, 00:08:06.149 --> 00:08:09.149 and listened to her attentively. 00:08:09.149 --> 00:08:15.149 A woman also has a role in dispelling monotony from marital life through good companionship, 00:08:15.149 --> 00:08:17.149 choosing engaging topics of conversation, 00:08:17.149 --> 00:08:22.149 and bringing renewal to her life, attire, and home. 00:08:22.149 --> 00:08:26.149 That is why 'Amr ibn al-'As made his beautiful statement: 00:08:26.149 --> 00:08:30.149 "I never grow weary of my riding beast so long as it carries my leg, 00:08:30.149 --> 00:08:33.149 nor of my wife so long as she maintains good companionship, 00:08:33.149 --> 00:08:37.149 nor of my friend so long as he keeps my secret. 00:08:37.149 --> 00:08:40.149 Indeed, weariness is among the false traits of character." 00:08:40.149 --> 00:08:44.500 How are you, then, O noble man, with your wife? 00:08:44.500 --> 00:08:47.500 Does she feel safe with you? 00:08:47.500 --> 00:08:50.500 Do you long to sit with her? 00:08:50.500 --> 00:08:54.500 Do you have the capacity to listen to her without interrupting, 00:08:54.500 --> 00:08:56.500 even if her speech goes on at length? 00:08:56.500 --> 00:09:00.879 We shall continue in a future gathering, Allah willing. 00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:03.879 And praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.