Part of The Hadith of Umm Zar' (series completed)
· Lesson 8 of 25
Types of men in the hadith of Umm Zara’ | Episode (8) | My husband, if he enters, a leopard, and if he comes out, a lion
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Transcript
Machine translation — may contain errors
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
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Categories of Men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'.
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"My husband, when he enters, is a lynx; and when he goes out, a lion."
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This represents another category of men who embody noble traits and beautiful qualities,
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rising above preoccupation with petty matters and trivial details.
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This fifth woman describes him, saying:
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"My husband, when he enters, is a lynx; and when he goes out, a lion;
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and he does not inquire about what he has entrusted."
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Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"She described him as noble by nature,
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high-minded, good-mannered in companionship,
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gentle and easygoing at home.
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He does not inspect what has been spent of his wealth,
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nor does he pry into household affairs,
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nor does he demand what was lost of what he had entrusted to it—
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whether food, provisions, or the like—
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nor does he question her about it, out of his sheer generosity
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and magnanimity of heart.
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It is as though he were unmindful, asleep, or oblivious to such things."
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Thus, she likened him to a lynx for this reason.
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This quality is indeed among the noble virtues of character.
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It has been said:
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"The truly wise person is the intelligent one who pretends not to notice."
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Furthermore, she also described him as courageous
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when he goes out among people and engages in battle,
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as if he were a lion feared by every beast of prey.
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Thus, this category of men
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combines beautiful qualities and noble character traits.
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First among these
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is that his conduct inside the home with his family
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differs from his conduct outside the home with people.
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His conduct inside the home with his family
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is characterized by gentleness and mercy,
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while his conduct outside the home
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is characterized by strength and valor.
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This means that this category of men
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possesses the ability to distinguish
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between how to interact with men
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and how to interact with women and children.
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For he is a brave and courageous man,
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highly regarded and reckoned with by people,
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and feared by enemies.
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This praiseworthy courage
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is loved by women,
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because a woman feels secure
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with a strong man
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and takes pride in that—
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unlike the one whose husband is humiliated
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outside his home, mistreated,
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and lacks a strong personality
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outside the house.
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A woman with such a man
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lives in intense distress.
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Read, if you wish,
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the story of the suffering of women
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during the time of Moses,
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which I wrote about last Ramadan,
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to realize how women
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lived under the distress of Pharaoh’s humiliation
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of men.
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Moreover, this strong man
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does not employ
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this strength and courage
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inside the home;
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rather, he uses
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gentleness with the people of his household,
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treating them with mercy,
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and thereby wins their hearts.
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'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said:
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"Men are of three types,
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and women are of three types:
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A woman who is gentle, loving, and fertile,
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who helps her family against hardships
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and does not aid hardships
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against her family—
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and rarely do you find her;
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a woman who is a mere vessel,
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doing no more than bearing
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children;
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and a third who is a heavy iron collar around the neck,
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infested with lice,
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which Allah places around the neck of whomever He wills,
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and whenever He wills
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to remove it, He removes it.
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And men are of three types:
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A chaste man,
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gentle and easygoing,
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possessed of sound judgment and counsel,
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who, if an issue befalls him,
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acts upon sound judgment
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and handles matters with proper foresight;
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a man who has no independent judgment,
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who, if an issue befalls him,
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seeks the counsel and judgment of others
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and abides by their advice;
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and a man who is bewildered and ruined,
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who neither takes right guidance himself
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nor obeys a guide."
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And this type of man
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is praised by our noble Prophet
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(peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
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in several hadiths,
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among which is the one narrated
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on the authority of Ibn Mas'ud
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(may Allah be pleased with him),
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from the Prophet (peace be upon him),
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who said: "Forbidden to the Fire
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is everyone who is
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gentle, easygoing,
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accessible, and approachable."
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Reported by Ibn Hibban.
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Exercising gentleness and kindness
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in dealing with one's household
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is an indication of the good that
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Allah intends for them.
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On the authority of 'A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her),
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she said:
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The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
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"When Allah,
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the Mighty and Sublime, intends
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good for the people of a household,
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He introduces gentleness among them."
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Reported by Ahmad.
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Al-Ghazali (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"Know that gentleness is praiseworthy,
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and its opposite
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is harshness and severity.
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Harshness stems from anger and roughness,
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whereas gentleness and mildness
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stem from good character
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and soundheartedness.
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Severity may be caused by anger,
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or it may be caused
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by extreme greed
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and overwhelming desire,
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such that it dazes one from deliberation
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and prevents steadfastness.
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Thus, gentleness in affairs is a fruit
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produced only by good character,
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and character does not become good
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except by controlling the impulse of
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anger."
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Human life does not become pleasant
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except through gentleness.
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On the authority of 'A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her),
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the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
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said:
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"Gentleness is not present in anything
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except that it beautifies it,
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nor is it stripped from anything
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except that it disgraces it."
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Reported by Ahmad.
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As for the man who behaves well
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with people outside the home,
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but behaves poorly with the people of his household,
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he is not among
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the best of men;
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rather, he is blameworthy in Islam
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and acts contrary to the guidance of
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the master of mankind,
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our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him),
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who
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said:
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"The best of you are those who are best to their families,
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and I am the best of you to my family."
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Reported by al-Tirmidhi.
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And whoever uses his strength
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against a weak woman
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and the children in his care,
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while being a cowardly, fearful,
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and insecure person outside the home,
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is among the worst
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of men.
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The second matter regarding the beautiful traits
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of this man,
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whom the fifth woman described
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by saying:
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"And he does not inquire about what he has entrusted,"
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Abu 'Ubayd
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al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"What she intended by this
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is that he does not inspect what has been spent
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of his wealth,
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nor does he pry into the household and its contents;
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he is as if he were unmindful
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of that."
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This is further clarified by her statement:
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"And he does not inquire about what
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he has entrusted,"
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meaning what was in my care before that.
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Ibn Hajar
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al-Haytami (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"The intent
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is overlooking what the woman may misplace
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of that which she ought to safeguard,
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out of nobility of character
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and forbearance."
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Such overlooking is among the traits of noble souls.
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Abu Hatim said:
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"I related to 'Uthman
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Ibn Za'idah—
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who was among the devout worshipers—
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and he said: 'Well-being consists of ten
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parts,
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nine of which lie in turning a blind eye.'"
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And scholars have spoken
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lengthily on the virtue of turning a blind eye,
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advising kings and rulers to practice it
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in dealing with their subjects.
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Among such counsel
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is what Ibn al-Azraq quoted:
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The first issue:
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Al-Jahiz said,
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"Among the moral qualities of a king
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is turning a blind eye to that which does not undermine
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his sovereignty,
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nor diminish his wealth,
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nor detract from his honor,
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but rather adds to his grandeur.
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Upon this principle rested the conduct
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of the House of Sasan and others."
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The Arabs also said,
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"True nobility lies in turning a blind eye."
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A poet said:
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"The fool is never the master
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of his people,
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but the master of his people is the one who feigns foolishness."
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I say:
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You will never find
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anyone who overlooks a slight loss in his wealth
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when spending,
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or in his transaction when cheated,
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or in demanding his full due when shortchanged,
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without finding in your heart
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a sense of his virtue and majesty
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that you are utterly unable
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to deny.
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The second issue:
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A person of exceptional intellect is obligated
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to adopt this noble character trait,
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precisely because excessive cunning can lead to hardship unless tempered,
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so that he may attain through it
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the gentleness we are commanded to show.
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The third issue:
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Among the wise sayings
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concerning this quality is:
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"Magnify your stature
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by turning a blind eye,
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for no noble person has ever exacted his right to the fullest extent.
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Have you not heard
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the statement of Allah Almighty:
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﴿He made known part of it
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and avoided part﴾?"
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Generosity and nobility of character
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consist in refraining from making false accusations,
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ceasing to pry into hidden matters,
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and abstaining from mentioning faults.
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Just as part of
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the perfection of virtues
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is pardoning instead of rebuking,
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honoring the noble-minded,
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displaying a cheerful countenance upon meeting others,
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returning greetings warmly,
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and overlooking the mistake of the ignorant.
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Whoever is overly strict alienates others,
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while whoever is lenient unites them.
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And so,
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if these are the manners of kings
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that scholars advised them to adopt
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to ensure the stability of their rule,
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then you, O man,
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are even more entitled to turn a blind eye
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toward the members of your household,
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for they are your flock,
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and you are like a king over them.
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Life will never run smoothly for you
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with your wife
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except by overlooking
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some of her shortcomings,
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for no noble person has ever exacted
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his full right.
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Allah willing.
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And praise be to Allah,
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Lord of all the worlds.