Part of The Hadith of Umm Zar' (series completed)
· Lesson 7 of 25
Types of men in the hadith of Umm Zara’ | Episode (7) | My husband is Kalil Tihama
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Transcript
Machine translation — may contain errors
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
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Categories of Men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'.
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"My husband is like the night of Tihamah..."
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If the preceding three categories of men were bad,
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this represents a good and wholesome category of men.
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Such is life: it contains both the good and the bad.
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Thus, it is incorrect to generalize a single category to all people,
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neither to men nor to women.
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Rather, making sweeping generalizations when judging people is a form of injustice,
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whether applied to the people of a country, a tribe, or anyone else.
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It is improper to say that all men are identical,
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nor should it be said that all women are identical;
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rather, there is goodness in each.
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This is a virtuous category of men that differs from those before it,
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as the fourth woman describes him, saying:
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"My husband is like the night of Tihamah:
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neither hot nor cold, inspiring no fear, and causing no weariness."
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Abu 'Ubayd al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"She means he causes no distress or harm.
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This is merely a metaphor,
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because both extreme heat and extreme cold cause distress when severe."
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"Inspiring no fear"—
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she means he possesses no treacherous violence or evil that she might fear.
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"And causing no weariness"—
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she means he does not grow weary of me or tire of my companionship.
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Al-Isbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"The nights of Tihamah are remembered for their pleasantness;
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meaning, he causes no distress or harm."
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Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"She means her husband is neither burdensome nor slow-witted and harsh;
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rather, he possesses sweet mannerisms,
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is easygoing with his companion,
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and is gentle in approach."
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Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"She described her husband with beautiful companionship,
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moderation of temper, and inner purity.
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It is as if she said:
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'He causes no harm or displeasure;
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I feel safe with him,
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fearing no evil from him;
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he harbors no weariness that would make him tire of my company,'
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or, 'He is not ill-mannered,
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such that I would tire of his company.
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Thus, my life with him is delightful,
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like the delight the people of Tihamah find in their moderate nights.'"
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This woman described her husband with eloquent praise,
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clearly highlighting his commendable traits
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that every woman desires in her husband.
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Every woman finds happiness in feeling safe with her husband,
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and this feeling is fostered by the husband's conduct—
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just as it can be lost
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because of the husband's conduct.
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A man threatening his wife with divorce for the trivial reasons,
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or frequently mentioning divorce in her presence,
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deprives her of psychological security
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and forces her to live in constant fear,
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because she feels insecure regarding this matter.
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It is unbecoming of a wise man to threaten his wife with divorce
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over the slightest dispute that arises between them;
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rather, a wise man does not even utter divorce before his wife,
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and does not resort to divorce except after exhausting all means
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of resolving his problem with her,
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and after seeking Allah's guidance (Istikharah), consulting others, and due deliberation.
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Indeed, a woman's sense of security with her husband
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is considered one of her most crucial factors of happiness,
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and it inspires abundant giving and sacrifice for your sake,
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O noble man;
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so safeguard it, and you will be happy.
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This sense of security
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was described by this fourth woman
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through three important attributes in marital life.
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The first of them:
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gentleness in dealing with the wife in marital life.
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The woman likened him to the night of Tihamah:
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"neither hot nor cold,"
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meaning moderate and pleasant.
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This is how a man ought to be in his marital life:
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he does not harm his wife in any way,
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for she is his companion in this worldly life,
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whom he chose by his own consent
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and strived to gain her acceptance,
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offering money, gold, and gifts so she would accept him.
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After all this, should he harm her—
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when he so quickly needs her and cannot dispense with her?
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Why then should he cloud her mood and disturb her soul?
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The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade a man
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from mistreating his wife at the beginning of the day
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and then intimate with her at the end of it.
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On the authority of 'Abdullah ibn Zam'ah (may Allah be pleased with him),
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the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
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"None of you should flog his wife as he flogs a slave,
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and then have intercourse with her at the end of the day."
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Narrated by al-Bukhari.
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Abu al-'Abbas al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"This is a rebuke to one who flogs his wife
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and does so excessively until he treats her like a slave-woman,
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and then, a short while later,
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returns to share her bed
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and fulfill his desire through her.
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She will not yield to him willingly, nor display affection toward him,
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and she may come to detest him—
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even while he might love her—
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thereby ruining their relationship and worsening their situation,
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causing the mercy and affection Allah Almighty placed between spouses to vanish,
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giving rise to its opposite.
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Thus, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) alerted us,
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through these concise words,
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to the corruptions that arise from such behavior."
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Ibn Hajar al-'Asqalani (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"Sexual intimacy or sharing a bed
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is only fitting when accompanied by psychological inclination and a genuine desire for companionship,
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whereas one who has been flogged naturally feels aversion toward the flogger.
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Thus, the text points to the condemnation of such conduct."
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The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) truly gave due regard
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to a woman's psychological need to feel secure and at peace with her husband.
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He alerted the husband to proper etiquette in interacting with a woman,
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emphasizing that it is improper to treat a woman
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as merely a body without a soul or feelings.
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A mentally healthy woman surrenders her body only to the one she loves
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and in a state of complete psychological tranquility.
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The second attribute:
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inner purity,
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such that she expects no form of betrayal from him in marital life,
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nor does she fear it.
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This is the pinnacle of psychological security in a woman's life:
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to feel complete trust in her husband,
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where his inner self matches his outer demeanor—pure, without treachery.
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The third attribute:
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fine companionship and beautiful conduct, never growing weary of her.
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This conveys to the woman her husband's deep love for her.
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Fine companionship and beautiful conduct stem only from one possessing noble character,
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and spending long periods sitting with one's wife is proof of his love for her.
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This necessitates listening attentively to her,
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for when he sits with her,
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she feels reassured speaking to him and finds comfort in his presence.
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This is precisely what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did
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in the Hadith of Umm Zar':
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he sat with 'A'ishah,
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engaged in pleasant night-conversation with her,
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and listened to her attentively.
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A woman also has a role in dispelling monotony from marital life through good companionship,
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choosing engaging topics of conversation,
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and bringing renewal to her life, attire, and home.
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That is why 'Amr ibn al-'As made his beautiful statement:
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"I never grow weary of my riding beast so long as it carries my leg,
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nor of my wife so long as she maintains good companionship,
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nor of my friend so long as he keeps my secret.
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Indeed, weariness is among the false traits of character."
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How are you, then, O noble man, with your wife?
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Does she feel safe with you?
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Do you long to sit with her?
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Do you have the capacity to listen to her without interrupting,
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even if her speech goes on at length?
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We shall continue in a future gathering, Allah willing.
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And praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.