Part of The Hadith of Umm Zar' (series completed)
· Lesson 3 of 25
Types of men in the hadith of Umm Zara’ | Episode (3) | Do you believe a woman when she talks about her husband?
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Transcript
Machine translation — may contain errors
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In the name of Allah, the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful.
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Categories of Men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'.
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Is a woman truthful when she speaks about her husband?
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The answer to this question may come as a shock to men,
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yet it is generally well known among women,
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even if they conceal it from men.
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For it is innate to a woman's nature
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to hide some of her traits from a man,
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even if such a trait is an intrinsic part of her disposition.
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Consider, noble brother,
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the statement of 'A'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her,
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in the hadith of Anas Ibn Malik,
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when he related:
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Umm Sulaym came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him,
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and asked him,
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while 'A'ishah was present with him:
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"O Messenger of Allah,
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a woman may experience in a dream what a man experiences,
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seeing from herself what a man sees from himself."
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Thereupon 'A'ishah said:
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"O Umm Sulaym,
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you have disgraced women! May your hands be covered with dust!"
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So he said to 'A'ishah:
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"Nay, rather may your hands be covered with dust!
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Yes,
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let Umm Sulaym perform ghusl
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if she sees that."
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Recorded by Muslim.
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Al-Qadi 'Iyad, may Allah have mercy on him, said:
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"'A'ishah's remark to Umm Sulaym,
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'You have disgraced women,'
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meant: you have exposed their secrets
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and what they conceal of their desire for men
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and experiencing wet dreams."
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And Ibn Hajar, may Allah have mercy on him, remarked:
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"This indicates that concealing such matters is customary for them."
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Thus the Mother of the Believers
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disliked that men should know that a woman desires a man
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and that she experiences during sleep what a man experiences,
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because this is something a woman is customarily shy about.
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Therefore, it is inappropriate for a man to demand that his wife
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explicitly state her desire for him
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just as he explicitly states his desire for her,
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because such a demand goes against a woman's natural disposition and modesty.
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It is enough for her to hint, entice,
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and respond swiftly to her husband.
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To pose the question once more:
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Is a woman truthful when she speaks about her husband?
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Before answering this question,
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we need to understand the nature of a woman's perception of her husband.
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Al-Tahir Ibn 'Ashur, may Allah have mercy on him, observed:
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"A woman deeply admires chivalry and valor in a man,
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due to her own inability to do what men can do,
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and because she sees in the valor of her husband and kinsfolk
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that which sets her mind at ease against the threat of enemies and raids."
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This is what women traditionally valued in their husbands in times past.
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Has this disposition undergone any shift over time?
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Yes, this natural inclination has indeed altered in some women
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due to shifts in societal culture, female culture,
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and a changing perception of men—
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whether that man be a son, a brother,
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a husband, or a guardian.
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For among the ideas instilled in women today
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is that she must be financially independent of men,
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that she should take up any job merely to earn money,
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that the concept of freedom requires her to reject
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male authority in any form whatsoever,
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that she has absolute autonomy in all her actions
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without deferring to a man,
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and that she must rebel against male guardianship
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in order to become her own guardian.
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All of this, alongside other notions disseminated among women,
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has led to a shift in how a woman perceives a man.
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So one wonders, in light of this modern culture,
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what does a woman now value in a man?
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And what will she boast about among other women?
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The culture of the internet
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and social media has engendered
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a new archetype that a woman admires in a husband:
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the archetype of fame,
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and the celebrities who appear on these platforms
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with an idealized image
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that contradicts reality and truth,
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misleading women.
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Then, if a woman marries such a public figure,
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she discovers the bitter reality.
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Here the question arises once again:
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Is a woman truthful when she speaks about her husband?
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The hadith of Umm Zar' indicates
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that women are often not truthful
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when they speak about their husbands.
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For that reason, they pledged and covenanted together
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not to conceal anything regarding their husbands,
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because they were fully aware
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that a woman is typically not truthful when speaking of her husband;
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rather, she strives to portray him
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in the best possible light before other women
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in order to boast of him over them,
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even though she may be living with him amid injustice and severe harshness.
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Yet before other women,
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she displays the exact opposite.
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This is especially true if a woman has a co-wife,
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for she may feign satisfaction and abundance from her husband
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merely to spite her co-wife.
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As reported on the authority of Asma', may Allah be pleased with her,
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a woman said: "O Messenger of Allah,
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I have a co-wife;
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would there be any blame on me if I pretend to have received from my husband
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that which he did not give me?"
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The Prophet, peace be upon him, replied:
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"The one who pretends to have received what they were not given
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is like one who wears two garments of falsehood."
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The pretender is one who feigns satiety
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while not being sated.
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The meaning here is that she makes it seem
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as though she has attained a favor
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when she has not.
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Thus the Prophet, peace be upon him, deemed her action
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a form of prohibited falsehood.
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He only disliked this for a woman
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because it creates discord with the other woman,
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acting like sorcery that drives a wedge between a man
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and his wife.
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Yet even this reality
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has been affected by societal culture.
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A woman today does not boast
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of a man's physical strength, his courage,
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or his fierce prowess in battle;
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rather, she boasts of the degree of her dominance
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over the man, among other things—
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may Allah have mercy on the righteous women.
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There are also other factors influencing
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how a woman portrays her husband,
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such as the social circle she frequents:
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if it is a righteous environment,
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she presents her husband as one of the righteous and ascetic;
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if she is in an affluent environment,
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she presents her husband as generous
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and never refusing any of her requests;
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and if among women who predominantly dominate their husbands,
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she highlights the extent of her control
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in dominating him.
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Likewise, her state of contentment or anger plays a role:
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if pleased, she elevates him to the heavens,
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and if displeased, she casts him down
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to the lowest of the low.
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None escapes this pitfall
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except the righteous, believing woman,
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and her role model in that regard
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is the Mother of the Believers, 'A'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her.
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For on the authority of 'A'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her,
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she said: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said to me:
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"I certainly know
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when you are pleased with me
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and when you are angry with me."
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She said: I asked, "From where do you know that?"
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He replied: "As for when
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you are pleased with me,
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you say: 'No, by the Lord of Muhammad';
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and when you are angry with me,
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you say: 'No, by the Lord of Ibrahim.'"
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She said: I replied:
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"Yes, by Allah, O Messenger of Allah,
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I only omit your name."
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Recorded by Al-Bukhari.
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Indeed, the believing woman—
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as stated in the hadith of Anas Ibn Malik
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from the Prophet, peace be upon him, who
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said: "Three things are destructive:
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greed that is obeyed,
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desire that is followed,
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and a person being conceited with vanity;
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and three things are salvific:
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justice in contentment and anger,
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moderation in wealth and poverty."
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Recorded by Al-Tabarani in Al-Awsat.
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She adheres to fairness
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when speaking of her husband:
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she does not deprive him of his due rights,
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nor does she elevate him above his actual station,
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nor does she claim virtues for him
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that he does not possess,
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nor does she attribute flaws to him
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in moments of anger that are not in him.
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And what is it that you love about your husband,
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and what qualities do you cherish in him?
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We shall continue in the next gathering, if Allah wills.
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And all praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds.