Part of The Hadith of Umm Zar' (series completed)
· Lesson 24 of 25
Types of men in the hadith of Umm Zara’ | Episode (24) | When a woman talks about her husband
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Transcript
Machine translation — may contain errors
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
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Categories of men.
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Regarding the hadith of Umm Zar‘.
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When a woman speaks about her husband.
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A woman loves to talk about her husband.
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And for him to be the focus of her conversation.
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There is nothing strange in that.
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For the nature of a woman is completely different from the nature of a man.
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This gathering is merely an example of women’s gatherings.
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And the talk that circulates within them regarding their husbands.
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Ibn Hajar, may Allah have mercy on him, said in his commentary on the story of this gathering:
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"It is in the nature of women, when they converse,
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that their talk is usually about men."
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This is unlike men.
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For the majority of their conversation concerns matters of livelihood.
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But what are the guidelines for talking about one's husband among women?
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First: Beware of backbiting (ghibah).
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Allah the Almighty has forbidden backbiting.
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He said: ﴾...and do not backbite one another...﴿
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The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, explained the meaning of backbiting, saying:
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"Do you know what backbiting is?"
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They said, "Allah and His Messenger know best."
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He said, "Your mentioning your brother with that which he dislikes."
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It was asked, "What if what I say about my brother is true?"
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He said, "If what you say is true, then you have backbitten him.
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And if it is not true, then you have slandered him."
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Narrated by Muslim.
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A wife is the one who knows her husband’s faults most intimately.
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And that is how it is.
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Therefore, he is a garment for her, and she is a garment for him.
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So, if she speaks among women about something the husband dislikes,
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she has fallen into backbiting.
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A woman most often falls into backbiting
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when she talks to her mother and sisters about her husband.
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The notion that she is just "venting" to someone does not absolve her of sin.
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Because venting about what the husband dislikes is backbiting for which the woman is sinful.
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So, what should a woman do if problems arise between her and her husband?
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And she wants to unburden her worries?
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This is one of the situations that most often causes a woman to fall into backbiting.
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So how can a woman avoid it?
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To avoid falling into backbiting in this situation,
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she must observe two things.
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First:
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She must choose carefully whom she speaks to.
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It is required that this person:
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Has the ability to offer advice and guidance for such problems.
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Possesses the ability to exercise reason and control emotion.
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Second:
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Her intention must be to reach a solution to the problem,
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not just to vent.
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And since a woman is emotional by nature,
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her emotions often overcome her reason.
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It may not be appropriate for her to be consulted on marital problems that require hearing from both sides.
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However, one can benefit from her experiences in seeking advice and guidance for a successful marital life.
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The evidence for the permissibility of speaking about a husband regarding what he dislikes
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for the sake of solving a problem or seeking a legal ruling (fatwa)
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is the hadith of Hind bint ‘Utbah with her husband.
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For it is narrated from ‘A’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her,
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that Hind bint ‘Utbah said:
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"O Messenger of Allah,
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Abu Sufyan is a stingy man.
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He does not give me what is sufficient for me and my children,
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except what I take from him without his knowledge."
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He said:
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"Take what is sufficient for you and your children in a reasonable manner."
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Narrated by al-Bukhari.
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The question here is:
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Is what occurred among the women in this gathering considered backbiting?
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And is it permissible to take them as an example in this action?
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The answer is: Yes,
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this is a form of backbiting.
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Because each woman among them knew the others,
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and knew who their husbands were.
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Therefore, it is not permissible to take them as an example in this action.
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If a group gathers,
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and each one talks about her husband, [that is forbidden].
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However, narrating the hadith now is permissible,
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because the women who gathered are unknown,
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and their husbands are likewise unknown.
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So, mentioning the story about them is not considered backbiting.
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Qadi ‘Iyad, may Allah have mercy on him, said:
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"Some scholars deduced from this hadith
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that mentioning evil or a fault,
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if one mentions it without identifying the person by name or identity,
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is not backbiting.
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Rather, backbiting is
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to intend a specific person with what he dislikes.
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For the Prophet, peace be upon him,
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narrated about some of these women
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what they mentioned of their husbands' faults,
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and he, peace be upon him, would not narrate about himself or others
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except what is permissible and lawful."
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What is the benefit of mentioning the story of these women
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if their action was backbiting?
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First:
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If there were no benefit in mentioning their story,
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‘A’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, would not have narrated it,
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and the Prophet, peace be upon him, would not have listened to her narration
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without disapproval.
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Second:
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Such stories are mentioned to take a lesson,
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and to benefit from the experiences of others.
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Qadi ‘Iyad, may Allah have mercy on him, said:
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"In it is the fiqh of
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the permissibility of talking about past nations,
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bygone generations, and past centuries,
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and drawing lessons from them.
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For in their history is a lesson for the one who takes heed,
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and insight for the one who seeks it,
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and a source of benefit for the diligent researcher.
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For in this hadith,
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especially when narrated to women,
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is a benefit in encouraging loyalty to husbands,
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and a recommendation to lower one's gaze and heart toward them,
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and to be grateful for all their actions,
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and to maintain good companionship with them.
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Like the case of Umm Zar‘,
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and what appeared of her admiration for Abu Zar‘,
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and her praise for him and all his family,
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and her gratitude for his kindness toward her,
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and her finding everything else insignificant after him.
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And because of her story, the hadith was brought forth,
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as occurred and was clarified in some narrations.
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Along with the benefit of acknowledging the patience of the others
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whose husbands we criticized,
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and informing [the listeners] of what they endured of their poor companionship
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and harsh temperaments,
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so that women who hear their story may take them as an example
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in patience."
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Second:
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Do not play with words.
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A woman possesses the ability to alter the truth
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without falling into lying.
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We have already seen in a previous session
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the evidence for this.
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So it is not permissible for a woman, when talking about her husband,
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to deceive the listener regarding things that are not in her husband
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of bad qualities.
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Third:
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Do not deny your husband’s kindness.
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The Prophet, peace be upon him, has informed us
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that the thing that causes women to enter the Fire most
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is denying the husband’s kindness.
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He said: "I was shown the Fire,
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and behold, the majority of its inhabitants were women,
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because they are ungrateful."
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It was asked, "Are they ungrateful to Allah?"
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He said, "They are ungrateful to their husbands,
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and they are ungrateful for kindness.
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If you were to treat one of them well for a lifetime,
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and then she saw something from you [she disliked], she would say: 'I have never seen any good from you at all.'"
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Narrated by al-Bukhari.
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Fourth: Do not lie.
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Lying is one of the major sins,
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and it is among the worst traits in dealing with people.
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A woman, when talking about her husband,
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might lie and speak ill of him,
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or praise him to show off before other women,
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regarding herself or her husband.
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From ‘Ikrimah, that Rifa‘ah divorced his wife,
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and she married ‘Abd al-Rahman ibn al-Zubayr al-Qurazi.
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‘A’ishah said,
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while she was wearing a green veil,
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and she complained to her and showed her the green bruise on her skin.
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When the Messenger of Allah came,
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and women support one another,
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‘A’ishah said,
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"I have not seen the like of what believing women endure;
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her skin is greener than her garment."
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He said, and he heard that she
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had come to the Messenger of Allah,
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so he came with two sons of his from another woman.
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She said, "By Allah, I have no fault with him,
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except that what he has is no more useful
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to me than this,"
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and she took a fringe of her garment.
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"I swear by Allah, O Messenger of Allah,
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I am shaking it like the shaking of a hide."
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But she was rebellious, wanting Rifa‘ah.
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The Messenger of Allah said:
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"If that is the case, you are not lawful for him,
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or you are not suitable for him, until he tastes
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of your sweetness (and you taste of his)."
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He said, and he saw with him two sons of his.
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He said, "Are these your sons?"
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He said, "Yes, this is what she claims,
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what she claims! By Allah,
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they resemble him more than a crow resembles a crow."
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Narrated by al-Bukhari.
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So this woman lied about her husband,
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and accused him of what was not in him to obtain
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a divorce so she could return to her first husband.
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But Allah revealed the truth of her statement
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to the Messenger, so he refuted her.
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So be cautious
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when you speak about your husband.
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We will continue in a future meeting, if Allah wills.
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And praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.