Part of The Hadith of Umm Zar' (series completed)
· Lesson 9 of 25
Types of men in the hadith of Umm Zara’ | Episode (9) | My husband does not touch the palm to know the broadcast
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Transcript
Machine translation — may contain errors
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
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Types of men in the hadith of Umm Zar‘.
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"My husband: he does not insert his palm to feel my grief..."
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This represents a category of men who are miserly in every respect.
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He combines financial stinginess with emotional stinginess.
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Perhaps financial stinginess penetrated so deeply into his heart that it reached his emotions, rendering him emotionally withholding.
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For this reason, his wife—who is the sixth woman in the hadith—described him by saying:
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"My husband: if he eats, he devours everything; if he drinks, he drains every drop; if he lies down, he rolls himself up alone;
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and he does not insert his palm to feel my grief."
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Abu ‘Ubayd al-Harawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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*"Al-Laff"* (devouring) regarding food means:
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Eating excessively while mixing various kinds of dishes,
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to the point that nothing remains of it.
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*"Al-Ishtifaf"* regarding drink means:
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Consuming every last drop in the vessel,
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leaving no leftover drink whatsoever.
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It is derived from *"al-shufafah"*,
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which is the small remnant of drink left in a container.
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When a person drinks it all,
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it is said: *"Ishtaffaha"* (he drained it completely).
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Al-Qadi ‘Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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This woman disparaged her husband,
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describing him first with meanness, stinginess,
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irritation, gluttony, and extreme greed,
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as well as terrible companionship and marriage relations.
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She noted that he leaves nothing behind of what he eats or drinks,
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gathering everything he finds and consuming it entirely.
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This is certainly not from noble character.
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Thus, this category of men
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exhibits baseness, stinginess, and gluttony in eating.
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He eats all the food around him,
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showing no consideration for his wife or children,
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which stems from his ill-mannered disposition.
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The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) clarified for us
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proper etiquette when eating with others:
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he forbade combining two dates at once while eating,
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when people are eating date by date.
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Regarding this, there is the hadith of Ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him and his father), who said:
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"The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) forbade
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that a man should combine two dates together [while eating],
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unless he seeks permission from his companions."
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Recorded by al-Bukhari.
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Ibn Battal (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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According to scholars, the prohibition against combining dates
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falls under proper table manners and etiquette,
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because the group before whom the dates are placed
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are equal partners in sharing the food.
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If one of them takes more than his companion,
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such self-preference is unacceptable.
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Al-Isbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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He forbade that
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because it demonstrates greed, excessive desire, and gluttony,
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all of which bring disgrace upon the perpetrator,
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bringing sin upon anyone who mentions or criticizes him for it.
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The food in the home is shared between a husband, his wife, and his children.
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If he monopolizes the food to their exclusion, he wrongs them,
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even if he was the one who provided the food,
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because his household has a right to be fed and maintained by him.
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It is sufficient condemnation of this man's behavior
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that scholars differed over its legal ruling:
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whether it is prohibited (*haram*) or merely disliked (*makruh*).
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Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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Scholars differed regarding this prohibition,
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whether it implies absolute prohibition or mere dislike.
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The correct view requires nuance:
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if the food is shared equally among them,
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combining dates is forbidden (*haram*) unless they consent,
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which can be established by explicit statement
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or by circumstantial evidence that serves as a substitute,
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such that there is a strong probability of their consent.
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If the food belongs entirely to others, it is prohibited.
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If it belongs to one of them who granted permission to eat,
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his consent remains required;
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it is forbidden for others [to take extra] while permissible for the owner,
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though it remains recommended for him to seek permission from those eating with him.
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Despite the differing legal interpretations on this matter,
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scholars unanimously agree that one who acts this way
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has committed a grave breach of dining etiquette.
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As for the second matter criticized by the woman in her statement:
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"...and if he lies down, he rolls himself up alone,
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and he does not insert his palm to feel my grief,"
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Ibn Qutaybah al-Dinawari (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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She meant that when he sleeps,
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he wraps himself up on one side and does not lie next to her,
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nor does he initiate intimacy with her as a man normally does when desiring relations with his wife—
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by placing his hand beneath her garment to sense her feelings and sorrow.
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There was no "grief" (*bath*) there other than the woman's longing for her husband's closeness,
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and her desire to lie alongside him;
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she used the word "grief" metonymically for this desire,
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because her grief arose directly from its absence.
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Al-Qadi ‘Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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She further described him as paying no attention to her,
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leaving her completely neglected.
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When he goes to sleep,
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he wraps himself in his clothes without lying next to her
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or drawing her close to himself.
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He possesses no drive for marital intimacy,
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which is otherwise considered a praiseworthy quality in men,
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for the Arabs used to praise virility and sexual vigor
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as evidence of sound physical health and masculinity,
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while censuring its opposite,
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just as the other woman said: "[He is] impotent and incapable (*‘ayay’a’*)."
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Thus, this man is miserly
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even in granting his wife her marital rights of intimacy.
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When he lies beside her in bed, he turns away from her,
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and such coldness is among the most painful experiences for a emotionally sound woman.
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Marital intimacy is one of the primary purposes of marriage,
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serving as a means to maintain chastity.
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If a man falls short regarding his wife's needs in this area,
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he causes her severe emotional harm.
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If she is a God-fearing woman,
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she will safeguard her virtue while remaining in silent pain;
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but if she is someone whom Satan leads astray,
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she may seek unlawful avenues
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to fulfill her emotional and physical desires.
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The condition of this type of man reaches such an extreme
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that, as she said:
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"He does not insert his palm to feel my grief."
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This means that even affectionate touch or foreplay on her body is entirely absent;
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indeed, his body does not even touch hers
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due to the extreme distance he maintains from her.
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Al-Qadi ‘Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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She complained of this specific trait in her husband
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and condemned him for it,
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decrying her meager share of marital affection from him—
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that he neither lies with her nor draws near to her,
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but sleeps turned away on his side.
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As she described:
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"If he lies down, he rolls himself up alone,"
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never bringing her close to him,
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nor reaching out his hand to her,
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nor caressing or touching her,
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failing to offer her
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what men normally offer their wives,
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which would allow him to gauge her emotional state and grief,
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her affection for him,
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her sorrow over his emotional distance,
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and his utter lack of attentiveness to her physical and emotional needs.
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The woman is profoundly sorrowful,
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because this category of men
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pays her no mind whatsoever,
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knowing nothing of her emotional state or personal worries.
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From such a man,
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one cannot expect kind or loving words;
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he is thoroughly destitute of emotion.
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The danger of emotional miserliness
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is that if a woman lacks affection from her husband,
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she may seek it elsewhere.
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If the woman
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works outside the home
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in a mixed-gender environment,
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there is a genuine risk of her falling into temptation
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with the men around her.
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Similarly, if she is overly attached
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to social media platforms and consumed by them,
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there is a danger of her falling
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into the traps of human predators
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present on these platforms.
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In such a case, the husband bears
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a share of his wife's sin alongside her,
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if he was the catalyst for her deviance.
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My advice to this category of men
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is to fear Allah, the Mighty and Sublime,
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and to rectify this harmful disposition
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by learning how to treat one's wife properly
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before it is too late.
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If the reason for a man's detachment from his wife
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is physical weakness or lethargy,
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these are matters
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that can be treated today through various means.
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However, if his detachment
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stems from a lack of love for her in his heart,
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remember that not all homes are built solely on romantic love.
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The very least he can do is grant her marital rights,
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even if his heart does not lean toward her.
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A wife usually harbors deep love for her husband,
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even when he falls short toward her;
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if the man were to seek it out,
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he would find a affectionate, loving heart
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living with him under the same roof,
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yearning for his satisfaction and striving for his happiness.
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While some societies today
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complain about high divorce rates
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and the rising frequency of women seeking *khul‘* (divorce by judicial release),
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this underlying cause among men
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must be acknowledged and addressed,
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as it is one of the primary drivers
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behind widespread divorce and requests for *khul‘*.
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Likewise, the woman must fear Allah, the Mighty and Sublime;
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her husband's neglect should never drive her
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to open doors of inappropriate communication with other men.
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She must be extremely cautious against excessive gazing,
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for it is a trial and temptation for a woman;
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hence, women—just like men—have been commanded
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to lower their gaze.
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We will continue in our next gathering, Allah willing.
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Praise be to Allah, the Lord of all the worlds.