Part of The Hadith of Umm Zar' (series completed)
· Lesson 5 of 25
Types of men in the hadith of Umm Zara’ | Episode (5) | If I remember my husband, I will mention his impotence
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Transcript
Machine translation — may contain errors
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
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Types of men in the Hadith of Umm Zar'.
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"My husband—if I speak of him, I speak of his faults..."
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After the first woman finished describing her husband's qualities,
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It was time for the second woman to speak.
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She said:
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"My husband—I will not spread his news,
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For I fear I will not leave him be.
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If I mention him, I mention his outer and inner faults."
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The group had agreed that each woman would describe her husband's full reality,
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Yet she found herself caught in a dilemma between two matters:
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First:
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She had pledged to the women that she would conceal nothing regarding her husband.
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Second:
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She detested exposing her husband's privacy and speaking ill of him.
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The cause of this dilemma
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Was her fear of where such speech about him would lead.
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She feared two outcomes:
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First:
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That her speech about him would grow lengthy,
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Leading her to enumerate all his apparent and hidden faults.
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Al-Asbahani (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"Her saying, 'I will not spread his news,'
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Means: I will not broadcast his affair.
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'For I fear I will not leave him be,'
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Means: I fear I will leave no flaw of his unmentioned.
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And 'his outer and inner faults' refers to his defects."
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Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"Her saying, 'I will not spread his news;
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I fear I will not leave him be,'
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Means: I will not stop talking about him.
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The pronoun refers back to his news.
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That is, owing to its length and abundance,
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If I begin describing him, I will not be able to finish."
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This signifies that this man's shortcomings were exceedingly numerous,
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Some worse and uglier than others.
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Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"That is, if I were to mention any of his faults and deficiencies,
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It would inevitably lead to mentioning something else even uglier.
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Yet she had promised her companions not to conceal any of his traits from them,
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So she came to dislike the compact she had made with them,
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Choosing instead to conceal her husband's flaws due to their sheer abundance.
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She did not deem it right to mention some while omitting others,
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Knowing that mentioning one flaw would drag another into the light.
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Thus, she deemed staying silent to be the proper course."
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Her words also indicate that her heart was burdened and filled with grief on his account,
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And that she had never vented her distress regarding her husband to anyone before this gathering.
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This is one of the common mistakes among women:
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Carrying their grief alone,
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Until the problem escalates and they erupt,
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Making the issue far more difficult to resolve.
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The advice for anyone in such a state
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Is to seek counsel from those capable of guiding them toward a solution—
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Trusted individuals among the people of goodness and righteousness,
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Such as scholars, callers to Islam, or peacemakers.
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It is not enough to vent grievances to women like herself
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Who possess no real counsel to offer.
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Rather, the danger lies in sharing conjugal matters with women
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Who are not known for sacred knowledge, righteousness, or problem-solving ability.
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Sharing these matters with such people
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May only compound the problem
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And breed resentment in your heart against your husband,
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For she might be suffering just like you,
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Thereby adding distress upon your distress.
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She might even speak ill of men in general,
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Characterizing them all as unjust,
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Thus filling your heart with resentment toward them all.
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The second matter this woman feared
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Was divorce.
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Abu al-'Abbas al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"She means that if she describes her husband's state, she will expose his faults,
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And if she does so,
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She fears he will separate from her,
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Though she dislikes separating from him due to the bonds between them."
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Her fear of divorce
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Holds several important implications,
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Chief among them being that she loved him and hated the thought of parting from him.
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This is precisely what al-Qurtubi noted:
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The bond between them was one of love,
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And despite his blameworthy traits,
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She still loved him.
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Some may struggle to comprehend this difficult equation:
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Love coexisting with terrible traits.
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This stems from a failure to understand women, their nature,
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And their way of thinking.
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Some men may not realize the depth of love their wives harbor for them,
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Nor the magnitude of their attachment to them—
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Whether due to preoccupation with personal pursuits,
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Professional life and earning a livelihood,
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Or simply failing to reflect on the matter altogether.
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As a baseline rule, noble men:
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A woman inherently dislikes and does not desire divorce,
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Even if she demands it during heated arguments.
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In a state of anger, anything can happen,
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For an angry person loses sight of what they are saying.
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Yet this does not mean, honorable brother,
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That you should exploit a woman's love for you,
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Persisting in harming her through objectionable habits.
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Rather, a wise man
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Capitalizes on the sincere criticism of those around him
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By rectifying his bad traits.
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In this woman's fear of where speaking about her husband would lead,
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Lies another crucial benefit:
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Reflecting on the ultimate consequences of actions before taking them.
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This demonstrates that this second woman was exceptionally wise.
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For one who contemplates consequences
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Remains far removed from blameworthy haste—
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The kind of haste that can ruin her future,
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Fill her heart with regret,
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And leave her lamenting the past.
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Her conduct also demonstrates her patience with her husband
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And her noble demeanor toward him.
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For it is unimaginable that a man with such bad character
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Would be met by a woman with an equally bad disposition
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Without him divorcing her.
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Her words also demonstrate
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Restraint of her tongue when speaking of her husband.
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Restraining the tongue is one of the most vital traits that save one from Hellfire,
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Reflecting a high degree of intellect and deliberation
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Before uttering a single word.
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This can only be achieved by those possessing self-control and balance,
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Especially during moments of emotional strain.
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Thus, she was a patient and wise woman,
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Pondering the outcomes of her actions,
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Capable of guarding her tongue,
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Protective of her husband's secrets,
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And eager to conceal his flaws.
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Yet she was tested with a husband who appeared righteous outwardly
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And treated people well,
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But mistreated her within the home,
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Possessing innumerable faults
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Whose harm fell solely upon his own household.
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Al-Qadi 'Iyad (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"And in my view—and Allah knows best—
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He was outwardly respectable
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But inwardly corrupt.
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Thus, she did not wish to expose his secrets.
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Yet if she had spoken
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As she had pledged to her companions,
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She would have exposed his hidden ugliness
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And revealed her own miserable state
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And the immense grief he caused her, which had previously remained hidden.
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Nevertheless, though she merely alluded without detailing
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And spoke in generalities without elaborating,
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She still disclosed much,
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Even as she said, 'I will not spread his news,'
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For one burdened with distress must inevitably vent."
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Whoever is blessed with such a wise wife
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Should not persist in mistreating her;
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For she is a blessing from Allah Almighty
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That demands gratitude.
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Showing gratitude for blessings begins with self-rectification,
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Adhering to the truth,
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And embodying noble character.
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I urge men to act upon this hadith,
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Following the example of the noble Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
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And emulating his conduct toward his family.
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On the authority of 'A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), she said:
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The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
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"The best of you are those who are best to their families,
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And I am the best of you to my family."
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Narrated by al-Tirmidhi.
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Ibn Battal (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"In this lies a clear indication that what is most fitting and noble for a man
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Is to bear the harm of his family patiently, turn a blind eye to them,
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And pardon the personal grievances he endures at their hands,
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So long as it does not violate the sacred rights of Allah.
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This is supported by what 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated
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Concerning the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)—
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His patience with the mistreatment he experienced from his wives,
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Their causing him distress, and their shunning him.
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Yet it was never recorded that the Messenger of Allah punished them for that;
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Rather, it was 'Umar who admonished them on his behalf, not the Messenger of Allah himself.
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Reports regarding the character of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him)
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Consistently confirm what 'Umar described;
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Indeed, who else but him (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) should his Ummah emulate?"
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Ibn 'Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
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"The best of people
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Is the one who is best to his family.
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If you possess any goodness,
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Direct it toward those closest to you;
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Let them be the primary beneficiaries of this goodness.
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This stands in stark contrast to what some people do today:
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You find a man ill-mannered with his family
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Yet pleasant and polite with others.
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This is a grave error.
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Your family is most deserving of your good character;
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Show them the finest treatment,
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For they are the ones with you night and day,
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In private and in public.
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If affliction touches you,
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They suffer alongside you;
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If you rejoice, they rejoice with you;
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And if you grieve, they grieve with you.
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So let your treatment of them be better than your treatment of strangers.
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The best of people is the one who is best to his family.
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So how do you treat your family, honorable brother?
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And which type of husband are you to your wife?"
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We will continue in our next gathering, if Allah wills.
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And praise be to Allah, Lord of all the worlds.